Wednesday, December 29, 2010

How to make a fresh start count.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about where I went wrong lately. I started off the year with a great deal of momentum and it all just fizzled away. I think part of it was that I became overconfident of my success. When I started doing well, I allowed that nasty little demon in my ear to tell me that it was okay if I cheated just a little. Then one little cheat led to bigger cheats….

I justified it, saying that I was too stressed to worry about one more thing. I had enough important things causing me anxiety, why should I worry about what I’m eating? Something has to give and it might as well be my diet… I thought.

My extended circle of friends and family didn’t fully support or understand my decision to follow a low carb lifestyle. I had well meaning folks suggest diet killers like allowing myself one day a week to have whatever I wanted or pushing me to have that glass of wine and not count it… I know that eating too many carbs while on a low carb diet is the kiss of death. Yet somehow I always manage to let someone convince me that this time it will be okay.

So how can I make 2011 better? I need to set some rules.

1. I know that low carb is the easy, craving free, happy path to weight loss. So I am no longer going to even entertain other suggestions or criticisms. This is my plan. It doesn’t have to be your plan. I don’t care what other people think about it anymore.

2. There is no such thing as a “Free Lunch”. That means that if I am choosing to do low carb, then I must commit myself to being low-carb ALL THE TIME. Calorie counters can occasionally have a “treat” meal of higher fat/calories for a special occasion and make up for it later. Low-Carbers cannot do this. You can’t “save” carbs for a splurge. Even if I eat nothing but chicken breasts and bacon for a week solid I cannot suddenly have a bowl of pasta without bringing back all the cravings I worked so hard at eliminating.

3. I will not worry and stress about my diet, food is just food after all. If I am hungry, I will eat. I will make a conscious choice to always have food in my house that I can grab and eat that are okay on my plan. I will stock up on Jerky and make Deviled Eggs and snack on pork rinds, cheese and olives. I will learn how to make sugar-free sweets to keep on hand. I will do the work ahead of time so when a munchies crisis strikes I can easily address it without having a meltdown because I have nothing I can eat in the house.

4. I will greet my successes with renewed commitment to my plan and not reward my work with a self sabotaging food treat.

5. I will have a realistic expectation of how much weight I should lose in a year. Yes I recognize that there are people in the blogosphere who have lost well over a hundred pounds in a year. I applaud their efforts and wish them all the best. However, I also recognize now that the rate of loss they are enjoying is not healthy or maintainable for me. I will not try to be like anyone else or become jealous when others put up big weight loss numbers each week, I will simply do the best that I can do and be proud of my own effort.

I have other resolutions too. I want to focus on my personal and professional growth this year. I want to find a work/life balance that I can live with. I want to get a handle on my family’s finances for once and for all.

How about everyone else? What are you focusing on in 2011?

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

2010 is almost done

I am very very happy that this year is coming to a close. 2010 was not a good year for my family. I did manage to lose a lot of weight, but the stress caught up with me around August and I stopped losing and just really maintained for the last half of the year. I'm hoping that with the new start that the new year brings I can re-motivate myself enough to lose the rest of the fat that is weighing me down and finally get back to looking like myself again. 

I notice when I look at photos of myself that I look a lot bigger than my mental projection of myself looks. Isn't that odd? I wonder if it's like that body dysmorphic thing that anorexics get except in reverse... I hate it though because it makes me not want to have my picture taken. And at the holidays lots of pictures are being taken all the time. 

Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely holiday season, and I wish us all success in 2011!
See you soon!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

To School or not to School...

I am deliberating a lot lately over this question. My son is turning 3 in April and while my Sister in Law is watching him while she is out of work and looking for a job, I know this is a temporary fix. So pre-school is likely in the future for him, though I'm not sure I like the idea. I know he could use more interaction with children his own age and all, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm abandoning him to strangers. Then there is my husband, working a dead end job at 40 and hating every minute of it. I hate seeing him unhappy and have suggested maybe he look into going to school in the evenings to learn a new career. Ideally he would be able to watch the boy during the day while I work and attend classes during the evening/weekend. It would be tight, we would certainly miss the extra income, but (assuming I still have a job and all) I think we could make it work. Finally there is me. My company offers tuition reimbursement which means I could get my MBA on the company dime. That would mean many more opportunities for me and more money eventually too. Of course that also means adding a school flavor to my stress stew and one more thing to take my time and attention away from my family... So I don't know if the timing is right now.
If I didn't have a young child, I would do it in a heartbeat though.
So that's what's been weighing on my mind.
I've been enjoying my break from dieting this past month. I was feeling guilty about it, but now I realize that sometimes you have to let some things in life go. That means prioritizing what's important and what can wait. For me, knowing that - aside from being about 50 pounds heavier than I would like to be- I am actually quite healthy mean that weight loss (at this point) is primarily a vanity thing for me.
Sure I would love to sit here and lie and say that I'm doing it for health, etc. But at this point that's less than honest. Mainly I want to look good and feel younger. I want to have the body I had 15 years ago. I want to look hot and turn heads and not have my child ashamed of his old fat goofy mama. I want my husband to look at me lustfully and to feel jealous of me in front of other guys. He already does, but I want more of that...LOL. So next week I'm bringing out the big guns. I can boast a net loss this past year of about 25 pounds. That's roughly 2 pounds a month, it's not bad, but it's not great. I can do better than that.
I will do better than that.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Starting to turn around again...

Wait… what was that? Did I just feel… a spark? Could it be? Am I getting my groove back? Is it over?

I think I might be.

Thank God.

I’m still not quite back to my old self yet. I still feel slower, more tired, and more unmotivated than normal. BUT I feel less of those things than I did a week ago. Which is good right? I have been reading blogs, reading comeback stories. Reading about all of your successes and failures and learning all I can from it.

See the thing that most people who aren’t struggling with this don’t get is that it’s not simple. Yes there are hundreds if not thousands of diet and fitness plans. Yes, if you follow them all faithfully each one will make you lose weight. That’s not the problem for most of us though.

This journey is making me realize some things about myself. I was in complete denial about them before. For instance, on more than one occasion I have caught myself mindlessly putting food into my mouth when I didn’t want to and felt powerless to stop it. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I have been dieting off and on for years. I don’t need another book. I don’t need another miracle plan. I don’t need to buy the magazine at the checkout that promises I can still lose 10 pounds by Christmas.

What I need is to sever the connection between my mood and my mouth. That seems like an impossible feat at the moment. I had considered cognitive behavior therapy, but I’ll be honest, I don’t have the time at the moment and can’t really take off from work for appointments, what with the merger and all.

I think I am going to try one of those hypnosis for weight loss seminars that I see advertised every now and then at the local community college. I’ve also seen free self-hypnosis videos on You Tube, so I might try one of those if I can’t find a seminar coming up soon. Has anyone tried this yet? I’m curious to see if it might help. I know a friend of mine did it when she was trying to quit smoking and said it helped, at least for a while.

I never thought I had an addictive personality before now. I was always so proud of myself that I was able to quit smoking without much drama, I just had to want to quit. I went through a reckless phase in my twenties full of experimentation involving countless illegal items, yet never got in over my head, never found myself out of control. I have alcoholics peppered throughout my family tree, yet never felt that compulsion myself. Sure I partied, but I could always take it or leave it.

Truth be told, I always thought the idea of “food addiction” was a myth. I thought it was an excuse that fat people gave themselves for making poor food choices. I guess I was in denial. It occurs to me that there is a common thread to all addictions. They are all behaviors that we turn to for comfort when stressed or to indulge in to celebrate. Drinking, drugging, gambling, smoking, eating, sex…. They all fit this criteria. My guess is they all have similar stages of recovery as well.

So the first step is admitting you have a problem right. Well I admit it. I have a problem and I want to do something about it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'm not sure I can do this right now.

I am struggling.

I just don’t have the energy for this anymore. I am going through a merger at work, so I am not even certain I will have a job in 6 months. My husband finally found a job so the slack he had been picking up at home is back on my plate. I have a child who we just found out is apparently allergic to nuts and is a picky eater as it is…I feel constantly like I am being asked to give more, more, more… And this is leaving very little left over for myself.

I am tired of reading food labels. I am tired of obsessing over how much fat/carbs/calories are in every bite of food. I don’t have the energy to pretend that “healthier versions” of “bad foods” taste just as good or are just as satisfying. Let’s be honest, fat free cheese is just nasty and sugar free stuff doesn’t have the right texture and the flavor is always a little…off. When I’m wanting to snack while watching a movie at home, I want convenience, I don’t want to have to whip up a recipe at 10PM after SAK finally goes to sleep.

So I haven’t really been thinking about my diet much lately. So I haven’t been talking about it here either. I have read a blog here or there, mainly to check in on some dear friends I’ve met online. But I see what happens when weight loss bloggers fall off the wagon. There are those among us that take this as an opportunity to jump all over them and rip them a new one. I don’t think that I could take that myself. Now I’m not saying that I expect everyone to be a cheerleader and just support all that I do yadda, yadda, yadda… But since when did our ability to lose a pound define or not define our worth as a human being?

I have gained a few pounds back the last couple of weeks. (It’s depressing how much faster and easier they come back than they go away, isn’t it?) I am well aware that the reason I gained is because I have been eating like shit recently. And yes, I will probably be one of those annoying bloggers who has a “renewed commitment” as part of her New Year’s resolution. If that annoys you, I apologize in advance. I, like most people, am just doing the best that I can. I needed the break.

I would love to tell you now that I am going to strap in for the next 3 weeks to finish off 2010 strongly. But I don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m sure that sounds disappointing to some of you looking for inspiration on your own journeys. I’m sorry for disappointing you.

I hope that I can turn it around soon. I don’t like the direction that the scale has been going in since Halloween. I am sure that I am slightly depressed, probably because of the lack of sun and warm days. I feel the biological imperative to hibernate more strongly than most people I know. I want to snuggle in warm blankets and eat warm, sweet, gooey things while watching movies on my couch, moving as little as possible.

I hope it turns around soon.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving thoughts.

Have I mentioned before that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday? No, it’s not because I like having a handy excuse to eat and eat all my favorite comfort foods until I’m so full I have to unbutton my pants.

I love Thanksgiving because it’s all about love and family. Sure there are the uncomfortable moments with the in-laws and that one uncle who just doesn’t know when he’s had enough to drink. For the most part though, it’s the last American holiday to have avoided the rampant commercialization that has all but sucked the joy out of the others. It’s the herald of the Christmas season. It’s warm and cinnamon scented and a day set aside to snuggle up with gratitude and the ones we love the most in this world.

I am grateful for so much in my life. I have so many blessings and so much love that I cannot help but be thankful for all of it. So bring on the feast and celebration, I intend to fully enjoy all that life has to offer, including dinner and desert tomorrow. Hopefully the damage won’t be too bad, at least I know it’s not permanent. Then once the leftovers are gone and the sun rises on Monday morning it will be back to struggling to eat less and pushing myself to move more.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Enjoy!

Friday, November 19, 2010

It cheated!

Cannoli cake – 1, Xina – 0

I would say I want a re-match, but who am I kidding. It’s better if we just avoid each other from now on.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The littlest things bug me sometimes.

I have to learn to not care so much about what other people think. I'm an emotional eater. I can totally see that now. It's something I have to work on, and I know I'll get there eventually, but it's hard. I think up until now I've been approaching it wrong. I get upset or hurt and them try to resist eating. I think it might do me more good to just not let things upset me so much. Easier said than done, I know.

On a positive note, my blood work came back and everything looked good. I just have a vitamin D deficiency and I'm borderline Anemic. The doctor wants me to come in for a follow-up to discuss those two things. I'm not surprised about the vitamin D. I burn after being exposed to sunlight for longer than 10 minutes so I always wear sunscreen. I also seem to have a minor intolerance for dairy, so I avoid milk. As for the anemia, I've been told I have this since my son was born. Nothing seems to get that up. I've tried eating spinach until my poop is green, doesn't seem to matter. I guess I'll have to take an iron supplement, but I hate doing it because I always seem to get constipated when I do that.

I"m not losing anything, but I also find myself cheating every 3 or 4 days recently. My baby sister had her baby shower last weekend (I am so excited to be an aunt finally! I can't wait!) My company finalized the merger yesterday so I am now officially no longer employeed by O. inc. which is sad because this was the first real, career-type of job I've had and I really owe this company a lot. I'm sure there will be more opportunities at Company M. since it's so much bigger and all -BUT- I am nearly buckling under the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen to me and my job. Will I have to re-locate? will my position be eliminated? will I be laid off? will I be reassigned to a different department?...... These are the questions keeping me up at night.

Worry sucks. It's really a useless emotion. And I have more than my fair share of it I think. I also worry in the worst way, I obsess over things. I worry about events that have such a miniscule chance of ever actually coming true. I can't stop the anxiety, I mull it over and over, imagining the whole scenario playing out in my head. It really does me no good whatsoever. I've wasted so much time and energy on worrying about things that I have no hope of changing, things that are completely and utterly out of my control. I have to learn to let go and trust God more. If anyone has any tips on how to acheive that, please let me know.

That's all for tonight, take care of you!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ahhhh I needed that!

My mom and sister came over last night to watch my son so Hubby and I could go out and celebrate our anniversary. We went to see Due Date (very funny, I love Robert Downey) and then went to Houlihan's for dinner. We had a really good time. We laughed, we held hands, It was just what we needed to re-connect as a couple. I wasn't exactly on plan last night- but I didn't go overboard either. This morning I am back on track and staying there.

Today I am basking in the afterglow of a perfect romantic evening.

Sak seems to be okay. The big episode I was dreading seems to have receded. So I either dosed him with the right mixture of medicine to head it off early enough, or the fates were just messing with me a few days ago. Either way, I am eternally thankfull to God above that he didn't have to go though that again. This little reminder that he is fragile will be with me for a long time to come. No more taking his schedule for granted.

I'm about to head off to get my hair cut this morning. Tomorrow is my sister's baby shower. I am very excited to become an Aunt for the first time. She's a little girl and I am thrilled to be able to buy all the cute little frilly pink things I was denied when shopping for my boy.

Oh and my weight? 216 yesterday (didn't weigh myself this morning). The lowest number I've seen on the scale yet!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I would really like some cheese with my whine please!

I am really unmotivated right now.

And I’m not just talking about weight-loss. I’m pretty much unmotivated to do anything at the moment. I have a ton of work on my plate at the office and I don’t even want to begin to sort through it all. I have to clean my apartment in the worst way and I keep putting it off. I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping yet. I have bill collectors calling me because I procrastinated sending out all of our bills this month.

I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. The only thing I want to do right now is spend a day or three wrapped up in a warm blanket and read a good book. Alone. With no interruptions.

Tomorrow is my 4th wedding anniversary. I love my husband very much. He’s a good man. In many ways he’s superior to most other guys. He takes on a lot of the childcare. He does laundry and cleans the bathrooms. He loves me more than anything else in the world. I’m taking some time off tomorrow and my mom is watching the boy so we can spend some time as just man and wife and not mom and dad. This is good. We need this time. We should have more of this time together as a couple. We don’t get enough.

I’m nervous about leaving my son though. So far he’s been okay, despite the return of the head tilt yesterday, he seems fine so far. So I’m not cancelling our date, but in my mind I’ve already put myself on stand-by alert. I am hoping that after today, if he still seems normal that I will be able to believe we dodged a bullet and finally relax again.

And I’m hungry today. I forgot that I was out of egg beaters at work so all I had was a cup of coffee. And I have a box of cereal that I’m not allowed to eat staring me in the face. And I have a chicken parm lean pocket in the freezer- also off limits. And it’s only 10:30 and I have 2 hours before my lunch break. I might have to sneak out early.

Grumble grumble.

I definitely have my cranky pants on this morning.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

This really sucks

For the first time in a really long time it looks like my son is about to have one of his episodes. The old warning signs were all there this morning. Now it's just a matter of waiting for it to hit. Right now he's with my mother-in-law and I'm checking in periodically. If past history is still accurate the attack will likely start later this afternoon or maybe tomorrow morning.
I hate this.

I hate the waiting, feeling powerless to help him. I hate watching his little body slowly contort until he can no longer maintain his balance to walk upright. I hate the confused look in his eyes because he doesn't understand what is happening to him.

I hate knowing that he will slip away from me for a few hours. That's the worst part of it for me, worse than even the persistant severe vomiting. He slips away to somewhere in his head that I cannot follow. He becomes almost catatonic and goes limp. It's scary and I don't know if he's in pain or not. I cannot comfort him when he's there.

I know it will resolve on it's own and that aside from possible dehydration and his discomfort there isn't much to worry about. But it still sucks.

And I'm angry. I'm angry that small children are allowed to suffer and be sick in this world. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I'm angry that we went so long without incident that I finally allowed myself to relax and feel that we were safe and had gotten past this thing.

I'm sad that I can't stay home with him. I feel guilty that we need tohave both parents working to make ends meet. I worry that this is coming back again because my husband got a job and so he isn't able to stay home with him anymore and it screwed up his schedule.

I just want to yell curse words to the universe right now.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Can you say YUM!

I have a new love.

This is a true, deep, passionate love. Now that I found it, I don’t think I can imagine a future without it in my life.

Spaghetti squash.

I have done low carb off and on a few times. I can get over my cravings for sweets fairly quickly. (and if not I can usually whip up something that satisfies the urge with a little ingenuity.)

But breads and pastas are my downfall. I have to admit, I don’t much care for soy or almond flour much. I only whip up the baked low carb stuff when I just can’t take it anymore. If the craving strikes hard for pasta though, I don’t have much recourse. I try to kill it with the best possible alternative, which up until now were small amounts of home made whole wheat pasta with extra fiber added to the dough. I was almost tempted to try to may soy noodles (I still might attempt this) but then I thought, heck let me try the spaghetti squash thing.

It takes time to prep- I’ll warn you up front. You have to bake the squash at 350 for about an hour until it’s tender. Then cut it in half and scoop out the seeds. Then you take a fork and use it to pull out the spaghetti-like strands of squash from the skin. Top with your favorite sauce and voila! Low carb pasta. I made mine up with alfredo sauce and added grilled chicken, zucchini and mushrooms. It was really very good. Actually, I liked it better than pasta and my husband who does not do low carb and is very reluctant to try new veggies even said he really liked it a lot.

I also think it will be good with pesto, and maybe even shrimp/chicken scampi. I’m not sure about tomato sauce, but tomato is usually higher in carbs anyway.

So if you are like I was and read about this squash and have always been scared to try it, don't be scared. It's good. Real good.

Oh. My. God. Good.

And right now it's very much in season, so give it a try!

Friday, November 5, 2010


I am starting to lose faith in people.

This morning on my way into work someone cut me off and my car skidded into a stop sign. My tire was flat and I busted a tail light and got a few scratches on my bumper. Ok, I can totally live with that. I’m fine. My son wasn’t in the car. I’ll need a new rim and probably new tires.

But here’s the part that really has me fuming. The guy that caused the accident never stopped. He had to have seen me skid out. I know he saw that I crashed. But did he take the time to stop and see if I was even okay? No. He just kept going to wherever it was he was in such a hurry to get to.

What happened to human decency? Common courtesy? No one else stopped either- not the people driving behind me or on the other side street. I didn’t have my phone on me so I had to try to flag someone down to help me. Finally a very nice man stopped. He was a volunteer fireman off duty. He called the police for me and waited with me until they showed up.

Even if I had no part in an accident I wouldn’t think to keep going after I witnessed one. Not until I at least stopped to make sure the person was okay. It just wouldn’t occur to me that getting to work on time would be more important than helping someone who might potentially be injured or need help.

In the end the police came out to take a police report for insurance purposes. He said it wasn’t my fault, but then explained that since the other vehicle didn’t stop, I would be on the hook for my deductible.

Why can’t I catch a break? Grrrrr. This really grates my cheese.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

South Beach here I come!

Weight: 217.2

So I got up this morning and went to get my blood work done. I spent the last 4-5 days eating a "normal" amount of carbs because I wanted to make sure that the numbers reflected what my body is really doing and not the diet I was on. It was lovely! I indulged in bread, fruit, rice, a couple of cookies and I even made lasagna for dinner on Saturday. But now that my draw is done it's time to start the regimen that my Doctor prescribed. He wants me to follow the South Beach diet and start excercising more. I've heard good things about South Beach, I know it's a little easier to live with long term than Atkins which is what I usually do when going low carb. So this morning I had 2 eggs, turkey bacon and turkey sausage and am about to have my coffee with fat-free half and half and splenda. Since I had breakfast so late I will likely skip lunch and just have a little snack instead. Maybe some low-fat cheese. We'll see.

I'm trying to psyche myself up for this round, but I have to tell you- I'm kind of sick of dieting and the whole eating whatever I wanted without thinking about it I was doing the last few days was really nice and I'm going to miss it. But I have to establish this new habit before the holidays set-in. I'd hate to un-do all the sacrifices I've made over this year.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Walking on Eggshells

So I think my mom has Border-line personality disorder.

She flies of the handle for very minor (and sometimes imagined) infractions. She is overly jealous of my time and other people in my life. She has ruined more days than I care to admit or think about. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.

Examples of what I’m talking about here-

When I gave birth to my son she stormed out of the room in a tiff because my in-laws came up to see me and the baby. She was angry with my husband for eating a hamburger. She was angry at my 3 hour old son because I had to get a C-section and she didn’t like the way everyone was fawning over him.

She gets angry at Christmas because she feels like my in-laws buy too many presents for my son. She takes it personally like they are trying to show her up and make her look cheap.

She got offended when I said I wanted to have a family outing with just my husband and my son without her coming along. She gets mad at my sisters and my husbands/boyfriends at the drop of a hat. It almost feels like she is angry that our relationships are working out better than hers did. I think she would be secretly very pleased if we were to get divorced or break-up with our men.

She is constantly hinting that she would like us to move in with her to “help us” save some money. That will never happen.

The most recent example is what happened on Halloween yesterday. My husband had to work. So I dressed SAK up in his costume and went over to my MIL’s house to show him off on my way to my mom’s. My MIL gave him a little Thomas the Train flashlight because I told her no candy.

We get to my mom’s and he is of course a little pre-occupied with his new toy. He didn’t want to put it down to go Trick or Treating. She FLIPS OUT on him. Using the F-word and slamming the door. Threatening not to give him the toys she got him, etc. I yell at her to calm down and she finally walks around the neighborhood with us, but sulks the whole time. When we get back to her house she throws the matchbox cars on the floor in front of him and says “here’s your present, not that you want it” then stomps off to the other room and breaks down and cries.

After I finally go down and try to talk to her she finally pulls herself together and begins acting normally again. Thankfully, my son didn’t seem to take her bad mood personally or be affected by it too much. She later said she was in a bad mood before we ever came over because she visited my grand-parents graves that morning.

This has been the story of my life. I feel like I dread having “big moments” because every time she finds a way to ruin it for me. I love my mother but I also hate her. I don’t want to cut her out of my life, but I also will not allow her to abuse my son emotionally like that. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t really suggest she go see a psychiatrist because that alone would send her into a tailspin. There have been times when part of me just wishes she would die already, and of course I feel utterly guilty for even thinking such things. I keep trying because I think that maybe if I just try a little bit harder each time that maybe I can finally make her happy. But it only gets better for awhile and then it's back to this utter nonsense. The only solution I can fathom is to move my family as far away from her as possible. I can't do that though until I know what's going on with my job. If I can put some physical distance between us again, I think it will be easier to have some emotional distance.

I'll be okay, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for listening!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Quick update

I've been super busy lately, but I did want to take the time to update y'all on a couple of things.

Went to the doctor yesterday.
He is putting me on the South Beach diet and I need to go get blood work done next week to check my blood sugar for insulin resistance. He also wants me to start excercising 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening.

But my blood pressure is great- 105/80
And my Asthma is under control.
So those are both positives.

One thing he said bugged me, and I know he didn't mean it to come across the way it did so I'm trying to let it go. He said "loosing weight isn't as hard as people try to make it out to be." Obviously he has never had to battle a weight problem.

Work is busy busy busy right now. So I can't post as much as I would like, but I am still reading your blogs and still rooting for you all!

Monday, October 25, 2010

wishing i hadn't.......

I was totally stress eating yesterday.

And I didn't care at all.

I was home alone with my son  while my husband went to work and SAK was being a typical 2 year old. Clingy and wanting to jump all over and I couldn't get him to settle for most of the afternoon. I should have taken him outside. But I didn't. I was tired, I just wanted to sit and be still and read a book while he played quietly with his toys.

Yeah that didn't happen.

And then I got mad because he started to hit me (in an attempt to get my attention) and I asked him to stop and he laughed at my firm voice and kicked me in the face so I tried to "supernanny" him and he laughed and thought that time out was a game when I tried to put him in the naughty corner and I was getting more and more frustrated and........

I spanked him.

Two smacks on the diaper. It wasn't hard and I know I didn't hurt him and this was far from abuse, but it's not how I want to parent my child. It was a reflexive action held over from my own upbringing. He cried, I felt awful immediately afterwards and hugged him and said I was sorry.....and he stopped crying right away and forgot all about it in a few minutes....

I ate two cookies and a hunk of banana bread. And a glass of vanilla milk. And I cried.

I still have a bad case of the guilties and feel like the world's worst mother today. (though I do know that there are obviously worse mothers out there, it doesn't really make me feel better)

Friday, October 22, 2010

I miss my Mr. Mom


It's been a week since my husband finally got a job. I am grateful for the income, we certainly need it.


I miss having my husband at home all day while I'm at work. It was really kind of nice having a house -husband.

He was able to take care of our son so we didn't have to rely on a non-parent to raise him.
He was able to run errends like going to the post office or picking up milk.
He would get dinner started for me occasionally so I didn't have to.
I was able to call him periodically throughout the day to talk.
He would do the laundry and the dishes while I was at work.
If I asked him to he would straighten up the apartment a bit.

But now he's not there, and my MIL is watching my son. She is really doing us a huge favor and I'm trying to have a grateful heart about it.... but deep down I really resent it and it's driving me crazy. I hate that she is spending so much more time with him than i am. I'm totally jealous and it really sucks. Plus I can't just pick him up and go, noooo I have to do a mini-visit. And yesterday she let him take a nap at 5:00. And my ding bat husband listened to her when she told him to "let him sleep a little" when he went to pick him up and he napped until 6:10. So when they finally got home at 6:30, Sak was cranky and wanted nothing to do with the dinner I cooked, threw a tantrum when it was time to take a bath, and tossed and turned in bed for 45 minutes before finally falling asleep around 10pm. I was annoyed, but I held my tongue.

I have a mountain of laundry waiting for me when I get home tonight. I want to get it done because I'm taking SAK to visit my sister who is expecting my first neice in January tomorrow. We're going to go to a nice little farm and drink apple cider and have a pony ride. And Hubby doesn't want to come with us because it's a 2 hour drive each way and he doesn't want to spend his day off in the car. I understand that, but I really would like to be able to spend some quality family time together. So I'm irritated about that too.

And the next bit here is a bit TMI so here's your fair warning....

We've hit a bit of a dry spell in the "romance" department. We just haven't been able to get in synch lately where we both want to at the same time for awhile. Whenever that happens I start feeling insecure and vulnerable, even if I know it doesn't really mean anything. I guess "romance" for me is validation that things are good between us and that he loves and cherishes me and when we haven't been "romantic" for awhile it's harder to keep the self-hating negative thoughts at bay.

I'll get over it, I just need time I think to adjust to the new routine.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Weigh in for October

Okay, so I caved to my internal pressure this morning and weighed myself.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But it wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be by now.

I’m back down to 218.4.

I know I’m not going to reach my final goal this year, but I would really REALLY like to be under 200 before New Year’s day.

That means I have to lose 18.5 pounds in 73 days. That’s less than 2 pounds per week. I know that I can do this if I buckle down and put my mind to it. I was doing great at the beginning of the year then slumped over the summer and having really been able to get my engine started as fall closed in on me.

I’m done pussy footing around.

Failure is no longer even an option.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

But I don't wanna eat the cheesecake!

OK, so I have a dilemma.

I have trouble disappointing people. I’m a people pleaser by nature (or is it nurture?). This leads to many problems and issues in my day to day and can sometimes drive my husband absolutely nuts.

But the one issue I’m going to discuss here is how it affects what I eat.

In the civilized world food and drink has taken on a cultural significance above and beyond that of fuel for the body. It is the primary vehicle for family to re-connect after a long day apart. It is the centerpiece of a celebration feast. It is the way we show love and acceptance of one another. It is the grease of the social machine.

Since I have been dieting in earnest this year I have noticed a disturbing trend. Some people get outright offended when you don’t eat the way they think you should eat. They get mad. They huff and puff and get all red in the face and start gossiping about you behind your back. What the heck is that about anyway!

So me being a natural people pleaser I try to compromise. I do the whole “one small piece won’t kill me” thing. But since I wasn’t planning all day to eat that “one small piece” it is killing me, well at least it’s killing my diet. So anyway, I’m going to list top 5 culprits of the guilt machine who are trying to make me feel bad about losing weight and sabotaging my efforts.

5.) Team Workplace- Man the people I work with love to eat. There are weeks I think we spend more time eating than working. Bagels on Friday, French toast on Monday, Pizza and Chinese lunches, pastries and cakes and cookies…I can usually resist them, but I hate being the “difficult” one on the team when the company is buying lunch so I usually just say the pizza is fine and suffer in silence.

4.) My skinny bitch sister – This girl has always eaten whatever she wanted and never been larger than a size 8 in her life. I go to her house to visit and all she has is whole milk and real sugar and frosted sugar cookies. And she’s a picky eater. So forget making anything light or healthy when she comes to visit. She won’t eat vegetables. I tried making smashed cauliflower for her once and she literally gagged. She’s basically a carb junky but it doesn’t affect her body the way it affects mine. I curse her for taking all of the “good genes” from the pool.

3.) My crazy juiced up brother in law – He’s an amateur body builder and in his own way tries to be supportive and encouraging when he sees I’m losing weight. But he eats really weird food like tuna and sweet potatoes for lunch and egg whites and oatmeal for dinner and tries to make me second guess my own eating plan and I just end up getting confused. Plus he and my sister in law like to “cheat” on the weekends and then send all the leftover bad foods home with us so they won’t be in their house during the week. So now the “cheat” foods are in my house staring me down during the week. Thanks guys.

2.) My mom. Lord love her she tries. I know how hard she tries. And I know she doesn’t understand what it is I’m doing here. She knows we’re hard up for cash so she tries to invite us over to eat a lot. The thing is that she cooks with a lot of sauces and starches and fat….you know… like mom. And here’s the big secret- I’m a better cook than she is, and she hates that. So I have to tell her all the time how good everything is and take a second helping and do the whole “I can never get my meatloaf to come out like this…”type of gushing. I use my son as an excuse to leave before desert a lot. Yet she still insists on sending some home with us. Oh and she’s the one person in this world who has no problem telling me how fat and disgusting I am and she can never EVER tell that I’ve lost a few pounds. If I do say I’ve lost a few since I last saw her, she has to say she lost more. You know, the more I think about this, the more I feel like she is in competition with me or something. Yeah, she’s a psycho, but she’s also my mom and I love her just the same.

1.) My mother in law- This lady wins the grand prize. She (like my mom) is a little psycho about things. Minor inconveniences can set her off on a toddler sized temper tantrum. She loves to cook and is completely offended by any suggestion that anything she makes should not be eaten. In fact when she stays with my sister in law and her husband (see number 3) she calls me non-stop to complain about how much she hates him and the disgusting things they eat and how she can stay there because they won’t eat her food, etc. Her entire self-identity is wrapped up in how good of a homemaker she is. She loves to bake and has a severe sweet-tooth. She is constantly trying to push cakes and candy onto my two year old son (another big bone of contention, don't get me started!) and takes rejection of her cheesecake as a personal insult. She has been back in town for exactly 3 days. In that time she has sent over 1 tub of sugar cookies, one package of oatmeal cookies, fried porkchops, mashed potatoes, kielbasa, and pizza.

So how do you do it? How do you say “No thanks, that’s not really on my diet” without sounding like a calorie Nazi? And if someone has gotten offended when you turned down their prized pecan pie, what do you say? I don’t want to be fat just to be nice.

It’s only going to get worse over the next few months so any suggestions are welcome!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Because I like to sleep...

Ah parenthood…

So my son has finally broken my spirit. It was a devious plan. He began waking up a little early, just before I would get up for work around 6:30. The he started waking at 5am. So I would bring him into bed with us to snuggle for a bit and sometimes he would fall back to sleep. Then out of the blue he woke up at 3 am and I said to myself, no way, he’s going to have to cry it out. I got up checked on him laid him back down in the crib and left him there. He cried until 5am at which point I cracked and got him up and put him in bed with us. Then he started doing that earlier and earlier. 2 am… 1 am…. 11 pm ….etc.

NOW he won’t sleep in his crib AT ALL anymore.

I know I know I made a mistake I never should have brought him into bed with us that first night but I have to work and I needed my sleep too. And besides, how was I to know that my kid was a genius and had been plotting the invasion of mommy and daddy’s bed for months in advance?

Not our real feet....
 So needless to say I’m trying to figure out how to undo the damage I’ve inadvertently done. We were planning to make the move into a big boy’s bed next month anyway, so I’ve decided to push that up by a few weeks and we’re going to go buy it on Friday. Once his bed is all set-up in his room we’re going to start sleep training him to stay in it. I think it’s more logical to do it this way so that I’m not getting him to sleep in his crib again and then taking it away from him…

I’m just not sure how to do it. I’m not a mean mommy. I hate to hear him upset. It makes me feel physically ill. And from what I understand I can expect a lot of tears and why mommies and sleepless nights while we undertake this. SO I want to hear from all the mommies out there in blogland… what’s the best way to do this? I never had to sleep train him as an infant, he always just went to sleep on his own. Nights here or there of crying of course but never on this scale.

Do I-

a. Start off sleeping in his big boy bed with him and gradually wean him off of having me there.

b. Stay with him in bed until he falls asleep and then sneak out hoping he doesn’t wake up.

c. Tuck him in, snuggle, read a story and leave while he’s still awake. And just bring him back to bed each time he gets up amid tears and protests. (super nanny style)

d. Put him to bed, lock the door so he can’t get out and put him back in his bed at increasingly longer intervals, after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes, etc. until he collapses from exhaustion. (Ferber method)

I think I would like to try option B, but I think that C has the best chance of providing consistent results faster.

I just want to be able to have that hour or two in the evening with my husband and get a good night sleep without causing my son psychological damage. Is that too much to ask?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

My Horoscope today...

If anyone is innately self-confident, it's you. Still, you've had the urge to make some physical changes on and off lately, and it's back again in full force. Well, what's the holdup? You know where you are and where you want to be. That's the first step and the last. All you have to do now is fill in the middle and you're on your way. It may be easier said than done, but think of how proud you'll feel.

Um, okay, I never really put much stock in these things but whoever is doing the horoscopes for Verizon's Yahoo home page has either been stalking me the last few days or is damn good at reading the stars!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Cost of Obesity

According to a recent study by George Washington University the annual cost of being obese is $4,879 for an obese woman and $2,646 for an obese man.

My jaw dropped when I read that.

I am shocked.

And more than just a little dismayed.

I am not happy being obese for many reasons. I don’t like that I can’t move as well as I used to. I don’t like that people think its okay to snicker behind my back. I don’t like that my thighs rub together and get chaffed in the summer if I wear shorts. I don’t like that I have to shop in the Plus size department where there might be only one or two things that are actually cute and they are buried in a mountain of shapeless shifts with animal prints and bedazzling jewels encrusted upon them.

Now I find out that I’m paying just under 5 THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR for the privilege of being fat.

Quite frankly- I can’t afford that anymore.

There are much better things I can think to spend $5,000 a year on. I could go on an all inclusive trip to the Caribbean every year. I could buy new furniture for my apartment. I could put it away to buy a house with a yard so my son could have a puppy. I could send my child to a fancy special education preschool for all his therapies. I could turn the pay channels back on my cable. I could pay off my debt.

I don’t care how good that cheesecake in the kitchen looks. It’s not worth 5 grand!

I had a similar wakeup call when I finally decided to quit smoking. At the time I figured I spent a little over a thousand dollars a year on cigarettes. That figure finally motivated me to quit once and for all. It was more motivating to me than all the medical reasons I was familiar with.

Will reading this do the same for my motivation to lose weight? Hell Yeah!

If my boss came to me and said she would give me a $5,000 a year raise if I got my BMI under 25 you can bet the farm that I would do whatever it takes to do it.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Budget this!

So it looks like the challenge that the good Lord is sending my way is to learn how to Budget myself better. Of course this mean money, since Hubby's unemplyment checks just ram out and there is still no job in sight. (He even applied for an hourly position at Target and no call back yet.) So I've devised a monthly accounting for all of our set bills, rent, electric, gas, carpayments etc. We can make it on my salary alone, but it will be tight. I'll have to live within my budgeted allotments because we have very little wiggle room.

I'm also trying to budget my time more. SAK is missing his mommy a bit these days. I think he got used to me being home between the labor day holiday and taking my vacation and then the time I took off for my Grandparents funerals. I think this is the first full week I"ve worked in a month or so. So I want to give SAK as much mommy time as I can this weekend. After all he's only little like this for such a short time.

And finally I'm budgeting my food more. Or at least I'm going to try really hard to budget my food better. I have a tendency to not eat much in the first part of the day but then I get HUNGRY right around 4pm and eat eat eat until I'm stuffed. Then the guilties settle in and I get down on myself and swear to do better tomorrow and start off really strinct until.... well you get the picture. So I'm giving myself a food "budget" and will try to spread it out over the day so I'm not desperate to stuff my face as fast as I can late in the day.

This is going to be a challenge for me. I am not a creature of restraint. I prefer to just wing things. I don't even balance my checkbook. I just check my balance online periodically to make sure it's not too low and that there aren't any unusual charges. So actually planning a weeks meals in advance and going to the store with a list is going to be novel for me. I'm trying to remain optomistic about it, hoping that in the end this new found dicipline makes me a better person. We'll see.....

Thursday, September 23, 2010

No more excuses

So I did it! Yesterday evening I finally got around to taking my first set of progress pics. I’m thinking of these as my before picture. (Even though it’s after losing about 30 pounds. )

I was sitting in from of the computer after I put SAK to bed and reading all of your wonderful, motivational posts and jumped from my seat and made my husband take my picture.

Me: I want you to take my picutre for my blog, I need fat pictures to compare as I'm loosing weight...

Him: Right now? (he was trying to watch the Yankees game)

Me: Yes because if I don’t do it right now I’ll chicken out….besides there’s a rain delay what else have you got to do?

Him: I'm not sure I want your face on the internet...

Me: Too late, already out there. So are you and SAK by the way....Don't worry though I'm not using names

Him: How far back should I go?

Me. Just get my whole body in the shot.

Him: Are you sure? I don't think it will fit...(smart ass)

he starts backing up farther and farther....

Me: Turn the camera sideways...

He turns the camera and snaps the picture, shows it to me

Him: Is this okay?

Me (completely disgusted by it): yeah that's fine. One more sideways....

It took me so long to finally get up the courage to do it. Mostly I think it’s because my own mental projection of “me” doesn’t look anything like that. I look at myself in the mirror every day. But I don’t see myself. Until I see a picture. A photograph. Why is it different? I don’t know. It’s weird. I know I’m not alone in this, I’ve heard others across the blogosphere mentioning the same phenomenon.

Because of the shock I get when I see myself in pictures, I have been avoiding being photographed, which is creating one of the saddest parts of living with obesity for me. I am notably absent from many family photos because I avoid cameras as much as possible.

No more. Now that I’ve broken the ice and taken the picture (and posted it here for all of God’s people to see…) I am going to use this to motivate me for change. I want my picture to look like the mental picture I have of myself.

And it will. I can do this. No more excuses.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My first progress picture...

I have to keep this short and sweet. If I don't I'll chicken out.

This is me today... approximate weight 220. Hopefully by next month I'll look a whole lot better!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Ditching an unproductive habit

I think I‘ve decided not to weigh myself for a month.

I need time to focus on “technique” without worrying too much about results. So I’m locking the scale up in the closet and just going full throttle ahead.

People who know me know that this is a HUGE step for me. I weigh myself anywhere from 2 – 4 times a day. I know in my head that is ridiculous, but the crazy OCD part of my brain doesn’t care.

But I sometimes think the weighing can be a real sabotage to what it is I’m trying to do. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a good weigh in or a bad weigh in.

See, I hear voices in my head. The voices of inner demons try to sabotage me at every turn. If I step on the scale and I have lost a significant amount of weight, they start whispering…see you can have this little treat once in awhile. You’re losing so much! One little cheat can’t derail you now ….And if I have a gain or no loss… Well then they start in with… It’s not working, you’re just a fat person, what’s the difference, you’re depriving yourself and it’s not even doing you any good. You should just eat what you want and be happy…

See how completely unhelpful this habit has become?

So starting today- no more scale for one whole month. (at least, if it goes well, maybe longer...) I will measure my success by focusing on how I feel every day. I will mark my progress based on my improved energy and endurance for exercise. I will not succumb to gimmicks to get the scale to start registering a loss again.

And I'm going to take a picture of my body. I love seeing the before and after photos of everyone who does it. Up until now I've always been too chickenshit shy to actually do it. But I kind of want to have a visual record and documentation to get it through to my brain that this is all worth it, and pictures really do show more than a number on a scale, right? That will be tomorrow.

Monday, September 20, 2010

From the mouths of babes...


I am completely bloated after having fallen off the wagon entirely for the last two weeks. What can I say. I am a stress eater and I have been stressed out beyond belief the last few months.

I’m torn between wanting to lose more weight…because I was really starting to get proud of myself for doing it…

…And continuing to eat whatever I want when I want to eat it….because it was really tasty and I love to eat.

Last night SAK caught me in my bra and panties while getting ready for bed. No big deal, he’s only 2 and doesn’t really care much. Except last night he says “look! Mommy’s belly.” So I said “That’s right, this is mommy’s belly.”

And then he said-


I wanted to dive under the blankets and hide. I know he’s just learning the concept of big and little and it’s silly to get upset over what a 2 year old says. But he is starting to notice things and make comparisons and I don’t ever want him to be embarrassed or ashamed of me.

So I’m thinking I’m going back to low carb. Yes it is a restrictive lifestyle. Yes I miss brownies and cookies something fierce at times. But- It’s the only diet plan that is simple enough (for me) to be able to eyeball a meal and know if it is something I can eat. Counting calories is too hard for me. You have to measure and weigh everything! And I find it is near impossible to find accurate calorie counts for restaurant foods. At least when low carbing I know I can have just about anything that is meat and vegetables on the menu and I won’t kill my diet. Plus I can't rationalize away a bad food choice as easily. (go ahead, you can eat a small brownie, just don't have anything else tonight...) I have too many demon voices trying to get me to do the wrong thing to leave it ambiguous like that.

As anyone who has fallen off the low carb lifestyle can tell you, It is HARD to get back to it again. I can actually feel myself resisting it already, my mind making excuses, but it has to be done. SO- Starting today I'm pulling the trigger and doing a 2 week induction to flush the bad mojo from my system. Fair warning to all, I'll probably be crabby for the next few days.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Hi there.

So….. Long time no talkie huh?

Have you ever not talked to someone you wanted to talk to for so long that you start to feel slightly awkward and aren’t really sure what to say when you finally do start talking again?

Yeah that’s me.

I’m kind of in the middle of a personal struggle. I’m not really sure what the best way to handle this is. Okay- first let me catch you all up on the details of what’s been going on since my last post. My Grandmother passed away on September 5th. 5 weeks to the day of my Grandfather passing. It was very sad, but expected and in this case I truly do believe that it was the best thing for her (and my mother) despite the fact that we will miss her deeply.

The problem is my father. I ran into him while doing some grocery shopping for my mom after Pop’s death and then he called me when he read about my Grandmother passing in the paper. He wants to get together with me. To talk.

I don’t want to.

My father and I have been estranged for a very long time. Growing up my sisters and I were always thought of as his “other” children. He felt he was paying child support and that was all we needed him to give us as kids. My step brother and half sister would be doted upon and we got what was left over. I remember him offering to give me my step brother’s old computer because he bought him a new one. I remember my step brother getting his car when we turned 17. I remember him telling me that he would not pay for my college education because he had to pay for my step-brother. I remember him refusing to cosign for a car loan when I needed to get one for a really good job offer I received (I had the money, I just needed him to sign). I remember being stranded on Virginia and calling him to beg for help to get me home to New Jersey and him refusing to help me. I remember him telling us that he would not see us at Christmas because his wife was too tired. I remember that he never asked us to spend a weekend with him. I remember how he refused to take my youngest sister with us for visitation because he didn’t want to deal with a baby. I remember how she would cry and hold onto my leg because she didn’t want me to leave her alone. He never even showed up to my sister’s college graduation. He didn’t call her on her wedding day. He doesn’t know she’s expecting her first child and he’s never met my son.

My grandfather who just passed was more of a dad to me than my biological father was. It was my Grandfather who told me how proud he was of me when I graduated high school and then college. It was my Grandfather who bragged about me to all of his friends. It was my Grandfather who told me I was pretty when I got dressed up for my first date. It was my Grandfather who cried on my wedding day. It was my grandfather who held my son in his big hands and loved us both with his whole heart.

Not my father.

My father has seen me on purpose exactly twice in 13 years. And he lives in the same town as my mom.

He wasn’t abusive, at least not physically. But he did hurt me and my sisters deeply. And when he calls I feel a lump of bile form in the pit of my stomach and I want to run and hide under something. It’s not like this is the first time he’s tried to reconcile. We’ve done this dance at least a half dozen times. The most recent attempt was when he showed up unexpectedly at my wedding. I tried being gracious and accepted the olive branch he extended. But then it all blew up again and he was gone. Again.

Do I wish things were different? Yeah sure. Of course I do. What daughter doesn’t want a father to love her? But my father does not love me. It isn’t love that prompts these moments of sorrow and desire for reconciliation on his part. It is guilt, and fear, and regret, and shame.

I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to go through it all again. I don’t want to involve my son and husband in this mind game of his. I have already forgiven him and let go of any hate I used to feel for him. I just want it to be over. The man who was my dad all my life passed away 6 weeks ago. I don’t want or need a replacement.

I know that there will be readers who think I’m being terribly cruel, that I should give him a chance. Some might believe that I will regret it someday… These were all the reasons that I forced myself to give him a chance the last time this happened. I’m done now. I don’t have it in me. And maybe I will regret it someday. I’ve prayed on it and God has told me that he is okay with my decision.

Of all the signs I could have been given today as I struggled with this I came across a commentary that someone had written about the story of Lot’s wife. Now, I’m no bible thumper. I’ve read the good book but I don’t read it daily or weekly, or even monthly. I’ve never participated in a bible study group…I’m Catholic. We don’t do that. We go to church on Easter and Christmas and the occasional Sunday and pray when we feel like it and skip meat on Fridays during lent. Our God is a lenient God who understands that sometimes praying during the last 5 minutes of the Giant’s game on Sunday might be all the worship He’ll get that week and He’s okay with that. This blog I read though was about how Lot and his wife were brought out of sin and depravity by God’s grace but she looked back and became a pillar of salt. Her sin was longing for what might have been. For not taking the blessing that God had given her, but instead dwelling on the past. What she had before was not good, but she longed for the dream that it might have been good. And because she could not simply look ahead to all the good things that God had promised her for the future, she became salt. Where something is salted nothing will grow. Weird sign, and not exactly the bible story I would have come up with on my own to comfort myself… but it’s what God gave me and strangely enough, it’s allowed me to feel at peace with my decision to flee. I have decided not to look back, I want to look to the future now and allow the good things promised to me to grow.

"Flee for your lives! Don't look back, and don't stop anywhere in the plain! Flee to the mountains or you will be swept away!" Genesis 19:12

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My morning ritual

OK I'm a nut. I realized this morning that my husband is right, I am a total weirdo. (Thank God he loves me anyway!)

This is what I do every single morning.

1. Alarm goes off.
2. Drag self into bathroom. Empty bladder.
3. Remain on toilet extra long just in case I can empty more before weighing myself.
4. Strip completely naked.
5. Stand on scale.
6. Scowl because it reads the same as it did yesterady.
7. Reposition scale.
8. Stand on scale again.
9. Hmmmm Now it's .5 pound more than before.....
10. Reposition scale again.
11. Aha! Found the sweet spot (there is one place in my bathroom where I weigh about 3/4 pound less. I like to think of that area as the only spot that shows my real weight.)
12. Weigh myself 3 times consecutively to assure myself that it is correct.
13. I can now start my day. - Shower, dress, go to work, eat breakfast, etc.

This happens every morning and every night before I go to bed.

I'm a total wack-job.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The only constant is change.

Okay so I received so unsettling news this week. The company I work for is being acquired by a larger company in our field. I knew something like this might have been coming, but it really sucks for me. I work in customer service and there’s a high likelihood that my job will become redundant. And even if they did offer me a position, I believe their CS department is in Florida. Not that I don’t like Florida, in fact I think it’s a lovely place. It’s just also about as far away as I can get from my whole family.

So basically I’m thinking this means I will be out of a job soon. -Probably by January as a matter of fact.

Can 2010 just freaking end already? This has been the worst year ever!!!!


I absolutely hate looking for a job. I hate everything about it. I hate searching through the paper, scanning over the ads to stuff envelopes for cash. I hate the awkward phone calls trying to set-up an interview. I hate the false cheerfulness that you have to put on your face during the job interview.

And my husband has been out of work and looking for almost 2 years so my income was the ONLY income we have. Not a good feeling when you have a kid at home, not a good feeling at all.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Finally a loss!!!

I’ll admit I was doubtful at first, but the numbers do not lie. As of the morning I am down to 215. That’s a 5 pound loss from where I was at the beginning of the week and 2 pounds down from my previous low. So the starches so far have not seemed to hinder my weight loss any, but I’m still reserving judgment until the 2 week beginning period is over. So far I’ve only added starches back into my diet; I’m still waiting another week to reintroduce fruits.

I’m feeling very motivated right now to keep going. I was honestly on the verge of quitting 2 weeks ago, but I think I’ve managed to push through it. I guess that must happen to everyone at some point, and maybe that’s what really separates the success stories from the yo-yo dieters. When we pause in our losses, how do we handle that? Do we throw our hands up in the air and give up? Curse the Gods for creating cellulite and saddle bags? Loosen our belt and eat cheesecake while watching re-runs of the Golden Girls?

Or do we stop, asses and correct our behaviors?

In the past I’ve always just given up. I’m pessimistic by nature I think, so it always seemed to me to be an indication of failure once the weight loss came to a grinding halt about 4-5 months into a diet. My inner 3 year old would start to whine and complain that it was too hard and not worth it if it wasn’t working anyway. I wanted to do that this time to. I wanted to give up so badly. I wanted to just say to hell with it and bake some brownies and drown myself in chocolate.

And even if it is a little premature to say so- I proud as hell of myself for not giving in to that temptation.

The only difference I can credit is you guys. This blogging business has been really great for keeping things in perspective for me. I’m not sure what I expected to come of it, I think I figured it would be sort of an electronic journal. I never expected to find so many wonderful people sharing the same struggles and supporting each other as I have. I love reading the stories of your own journeys. Whether you have lost a lot or still have a long way to go, I value the perspective you have given me. I know I can do this because I know that you can do this.

We can do this!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Brave enough to be afraid.

A few weeks ago I put Finding Nemo on for my son to watch. He’s seen the movie at least a dozen times before but for some reason this time it really frightened him. After fifteen minutes I had to turn it off because he was hiding his eyes and almost crying. I chalked it up to his development and gaining a better understanding of what was going on in the story.

Since then though he has not stopped asking me questions about it. “Sharks bite Nemo Daddy, Mommy? Nemo fall down. Nemo hurt? Nemo scared? Nemo’s okay, Nemo hides. Where did Nemo go? Nemo got took? Nemo’s Daddy go go go! Nemo! Where are you? Nemo NO!” Seriously, he goes on and on like this over and over from the time he wakes up in the morning until something distracts him. For weeks this has been going on.

It occurred to me this morning as I was picking him up from his crib and answering his “Nemo” questions for the 100th time that when something frightens us it can be difficult to let it go. I realized that the reason he keeps asking the same questions over and over about his movie is because he is trying to make sense of it all. Often it is those things that we do not understand that frightens us the most.

So many of us on this journey of losing weight and getting fit have admitted to being afraid. I have a fear of failure and a fear of success. I am afraid that if I don’t accomplish my goals I will get sick and crippled and maybe even die. I am afraid that if I succeed and lose all this weight that I will be the object of comments and attention that make me uncomfortable. I like to hide behind my fat sometimes, losing it will be a scary adjustment to make.

Just like my son, I have a hard time letting it go. I am afraid when I eat off plan that I have forever botched my efforts, often I jump on the scale before I go to bed. I wake up and am afraid I might not have the willpower today to do what I need to do, again I check the scale. I keep asking myself the same questions over and over.

“Why did I let myself get this way?”

“What can I do to make this easier on myself?”

“How much can I lose this week?”

“What will happen if I don’t lose it all?”

“What weight will really make me happy?”

“What can I eat today, what about tomorrow?”

“Will my husband still love me if I can’t do it? Will he still love me if I can?”

“What if the damage has already been done?”

I guess I’m just trying to make sense of it all and hoping that if I can find the answers, maybe I won’t be scared any longer and can finally confront my demons.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
- Eddie Rickenbacker

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Love My Mr. Mom.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a two year old son, Sak, with some challenges. Most people who meet him can’t tell anymore, but when he was an infant it was much worse. He had neurological episodes that were very hard to deal with. When I went back to work and he went into daycare, they became even worse and more frequent. They always seemed to come on just as he was getting over a cold. Of course, in daycare he caught a lot of colds. We did this for about 2 months when luckily for us my husband was laid off from his job. Because he was able to collect unemployment and we didn’t have to pay for child care, we pretty much broke even money wise. That meant that my husband could take care of our son, take him to therapy and help him get to where he is today. Since Sak no longer got the colds, his episodes gradually decreased and now it’s been more than a year since we’ve had to deal with that nightmare.

Now my husband is running out of unemployment benefits in September. He has been looking for a job right along, but we’ve been picky hoping that we could get something for him that would pay enough so we could switch and I could stay home for awhile. If he doesn’t find something soon and has to take a lower paying job, we’ll have to go back to us both working full time, and putting our son back into daycare. And without one of us available to take him, we’ll have to take him out of occupational therapy, which is something he really needs right now.

This scares me. On the one hand I know that playing with other kids his age would be good for him. On the other I’m terrified that being around all the germs that little fingers carry will trigger the episodes to come back and undo all the progress we’ve made to date. One alternative of course is to have him get a job where he works evenings and weekends. I’m not thrilled with the prospect of doing that because it would really cut into our time to be together as a family, but if we did it for a short while, just until Sak was 3, it wouldn’t be too bad…I could live with that if I had to I guess.

This has been seething in the back of my head all summer, but for some reason today it is really causing me concern. I guess I’ll just have to pray on it and hope that God gives me the nudge in the right direction.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I know.... I've been neglecting you.....

Hi there.

I’m just checking in because I haven’t been able to post alot lately. What little time I’ve had I’ve used to read my blogroll, though I haven’t always had time to leave you comments.

My grandfather passed away on the first of the month, so last week was crazy. Family coming into town, the wake and funeral, arranging childcare for my 2 year old, being strong and supportive for my mom and sisters, grieving on my own at night…. Needless to say with all of that my diet went to shit.

The fall out wasn’t major, a modest gain of about 2 pounds putting me back to 220. I’ll take it, it definitely could have been worse.

I’m taking this opportunity to try something a little different. I recently read a book called The Sugar Fix by Dr. Richard J Johnson. Dr. Johnson is nationally and internationally renowned for his work on mechanisms of renal injury and progression, including diabetes and hypertension. I originally picked this up at the drugstore because I thought it would mesh nicely with the low-carb thing I was trying to do. I’ve been sitting on this plateau for some time now and thought maybe this book would give me a little nudge or tweak that I needed to get moving again.

Well….I was wrong. It’s not a low carb diet book. It’s a low Fructose diet book. I was a little disappointed, but I decided to read it anyway (after all I did just spend $7.99 for the paperback at Walgreens!) figuring maybe I could learn something from it anyway.

Basic premise of the book is that while researching hypertension, Dr. Johnson found a connection between a rise in Uric Acid in the blood, high sugar diets and insulin resistance. He then realized that it was the fructose component of sugar that was causing the insulin resistance.

Table sugar and High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS) are both essentially half glucose and half fructose. Glucose is what causes our blood sugar to spike. Normally insulin would be able to then shuttle the glucose to our cells to be used for energy. It’s is only when insulin stops working efficiently that sugar begins to build up in the blood causing our pancreas to churn out more and more insulin and causing “metabolic syndrome” including high blood lipids, high blood pressure, type 2 Diabetes and abdominal obesity.
What Dr. Johnson is proposing from his research is that it is the Fructose component of sugar that causes the cells to stop responding to Insulin. He believes that in the absence of fructose our bodies should be able to tolerant glucose without much problem. If the fructose wasn’t making our cells insulin resistant, we should be able to process the energy from starches (glucose) efficiently and thus avoiding the associated weight gain and diabetes associated with insulin resistance. He says that low-carb diets work because you eliminate Fructose.

Dr. Johnson points to cultures throughout the world that have had high starch staples in their diet for thousands of years- Rice, Potatoes, Taro, Yams, Grains etc. Obesity was not a problem and found only in the very wealthy few who could afford to eat sugar. Once HFCS was invented it suddenly made sugar affordable for the common man and began to infiltrate our diets. We became fatter and heart disease flourished. Enter the low-fat diet revolution. When Fat was removed from food it was replaced with sugar to make it palatable.
Long story short- We now are eating approximately 3 times as much sugar as we did in 1950.

His recommended fix is to eliminate fructose as much as possible for 2 weeks to get the excess fructose enzymes out of our cells. Starch is okay to eat as is lean meat and low-fat dairy. There’s a list of vegetable that are okay. No fruit during this time though and no sugar. One caveat though - you have to watch your calories if you are doing it for weight loss. Once you are beyond that first 2 week period you are encouraged to add in one or two servings of fruit a day. He has charts and lists in the book listing fructose content in certain foods. He wants you to stay at or below 25 grams of fructose a day which is about half of typical consumption.
You have to read labels because HFCS is in everything these days. He recommends avoiding packaged foods as much as possible. Over all it seems to be a very balanced, healthy diet. I’m already used to avoiding sugar and reading labels. So I began to wonder…. Could he be right? Could this diet work for me? Is it possible for me to really be able to eat bread and pasta (in moderation) without gaining weight? I don’t know. I am skeptical, yet intrigued. The science seems to make sense…. And I’ve already been eating off plan….. So I’ve decided to experiment and give it a try. Like I said, he does have calorie recommendations which are the one part I really don’t like, but I suppose they are necessary until you re-learn how to eat right.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Friday, July 30, 2010

They say it's my birthday....

Today is my Birthday. I woke up this morning 36 years old.

I must have had too much fun when I was younger because I seem to have misplaced a few years. I feel like it wasn’t really that long ago that I was 26. It must have been during those missing years that I gained all this weight too, because I honestly don’t remember getting fat. It’s like I just woke up one morning and did a double take when I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I’m still trying to piece together how it happened. I’m still trying to get to where I need to be. I had a gain this week, which was evident by the lack of posting on my part. I love to brag when I am successful but when I’m not I shut down. It wasn’t a huge gain, a little more than a pound, but frustrating none the less.

I question all the time if I can do this or not.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can……….

I want to.

I want to be thin and look good enough to turn heads again. I want to look like I’m 26… not just feel 26.

But I also want to eat Cinnabons without a second thought.

And I’m more than a little angry that there are no low-carb convenience foods to be found in the grocery store. I bought some sugar free barley muffins that looked promising, label had 11 grams total carbohydrate, 3 grams of Fiber for a net carb count of 8. Not great, but not horrible if I really wanted something baked with my coffee in the morning. I wanted to have them at my desk at work and they came in extra handy this week because someone (I won’t name names…) kept bringing in donuts and bagels. Then this morning I re-read the label, a serving size is half a muffin. All of a sudden I had to double my counts. So it’s no surprise I had a gain….

Who really eats only half a muffin? There should be a law against that…

Friday, July 23, 2010

Shopping disappointments

This morning's weight was 218.
My mood today- kind of steady as she goes....

First I want to thank all of you for the great, supportive comments regarding my birthday cake dilema. I really appreciate it! I'm waffeling right now between attempting to make a sugar free cheesecake, attempting to find a sugar free cheesecake to purchase, and just saying screw it and letting my husband buy me a real cake. I have a feeling that the third option will be dependent upon the level of difficulty in the first two.
I did have quite a disappointment when I was trying to buy a new dress yesterday. I really really wanted something new (and a size smaller!) for my birthday. But while the smaller sizes fit good on my bottom half, my top was still a little too....buxom to pull it off in public. It would appear that I am not losing weight evenly across my body so nothing is really fitting right any more. I think I've lost it mostly in my legs. My stomach is getting smaller, but it's kinda stretched out still from being preggo and then really fat afterwords. I think it will take some time to snap back to what it was...if it ever really gets to what it was again.

So yeah, I was hoping I would have something new to make me feel pretty, but it doesn't look like it's going to pan out for me. I guess that's okay. I really didn't want to spend too much money on clothes that I'm hoping won't fint in a few months anyway.

Otherwise, not a lot is going on 'round these parts. My son's new favorite word is "no" but it's kind of cute the way he says it. I'm sure it will get old real fast though.

Random observation I made today... Does Disney have something against Moms? I just happened to notice that if a Disney character has a mom in the movie mentioned at all... She gets killed off pretty quickly. What's up with that?

So anyway, I'm hoping that you all have a nice weekend and stay cool (especially if you are anywhere in the NE United States, it's gonna hit 100 tomorrow! Yikes!).