I am struggling.
I just don’t have the energy for this anymore. I am going through a merger at work, so I am not even certain I will have a job in 6 months. My husband finally found a job so the slack he had been picking up at home is back on my plate. I have a child who we just found out is apparently allergic to nuts and is a picky eater as it is…I feel constantly like I am being asked to give more, more, more… And this is leaving very little left over for myself.
I am tired of reading food labels. I am tired of obsessing over how much fat/carbs/calories are in every bite of food. I don’t have the energy to pretend that “healthier versions” of “bad foods” taste just as good or are just as satisfying. Let’s be honest, fat free cheese is just nasty and sugar free stuff doesn’t have the right texture and the flavor is always a little…off. When I’m wanting to snack while watching a movie at home, I want convenience, I don’t want to have to whip up a recipe at 10PM after SAK finally goes to sleep.
So I haven’t really been thinking about my diet much lately. So I haven’t been talking about it here either. I have read a blog here or there, mainly to check in on some dear friends I’ve met online. But I see what happens when weight loss bloggers fall off the wagon. There are those among us that take this as an opportunity to jump all over them and rip them a new one. I don’t think that I could take that myself. Now I’m not saying that I expect everyone to be a cheerleader and just support all that I do yadda, yadda, yadda… But since when did our ability to lose a pound define or not define our worth as a human being?
I have gained a few pounds back the last couple of weeks. (It’s depressing how much faster and easier they come back than they go away, isn’t it?) I am well aware that the reason I gained is because I have been eating like shit recently. And yes, I will probably be one of those annoying bloggers who has a “renewed commitment” as part of her New Year’s resolution. If that annoys you, I apologize in advance. I, like most people, am just doing the best that I can. I needed the break.
I would love to tell you now that I am going to strap in for the next 3 weeks to finish off 2010 strongly. But I don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m sure that sounds disappointing to some of you looking for inspiration on your own journeys. I’m sorry for disappointing you.
I hope that I can turn it around soon. I don’t like the direction that the scale has been going in since Halloween. I am sure that I am slightly depressed, probably because of the lack of sun and warm days. I feel the biological imperative to hibernate more strongly than most people I know. I want to snuggle in warm blankets and eat warm, sweet, gooey things while watching movies on my couch, moving as little as possible.
I hope it turns around soon.