Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Starting to turn around again...

Wait… what was that? Did I just feel… a spark? Could it be? Am I getting my groove back? Is it over?

I think I might be.

Thank God.

I’m still not quite back to my old self yet. I still feel slower, more tired, and more unmotivated than normal. BUT I feel less of those things than I did a week ago. Which is good right? I have been reading blogs, reading comeback stories. Reading about all of your successes and failures and learning all I can from it.

See the thing that most people who aren’t struggling with this don’t get is that it’s not simple. Yes there are hundreds if not thousands of diet and fitness plans. Yes, if you follow them all faithfully each one will make you lose weight. That’s not the problem for most of us though.

This journey is making me realize some things about myself. I was in complete denial about them before. For instance, on more than one occasion I have caught myself mindlessly putting food into my mouth when I didn’t want to and felt powerless to stop it. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I have been dieting off and on for years. I don’t need another book. I don’t need another miracle plan. I don’t need to buy the magazine at the checkout that promises I can still lose 10 pounds by Christmas.

What I need is to sever the connection between my mood and my mouth. That seems like an impossible feat at the moment. I had considered cognitive behavior therapy, but I’ll be honest, I don’t have the time at the moment and can’t really take off from work for appointments, what with the merger and all.

I think I am going to try one of those hypnosis for weight loss seminars that I see advertised every now and then at the local community college. I’ve also seen free self-hypnosis videos on You Tube, so I might try one of those if I can’t find a seminar coming up soon. Has anyone tried this yet? I’m curious to see if it might help. I know a friend of mine did it when she was trying to quit smoking and said it helped, at least for a while.

I never thought I had an addictive personality before now. I was always so proud of myself that I was able to quit smoking without much drama, I just had to want to quit. I went through a reckless phase in my twenties full of experimentation involving countless illegal items, yet never got in over my head, never found myself out of control. I have alcoholics peppered throughout my family tree, yet never felt that compulsion myself. Sure I partied, but I could always take it or leave it.

Truth be told, I always thought the idea of “food addiction” was a myth. I thought it was an excuse that fat people gave themselves for making poor food choices. I guess I was in denial. It occurs to me that there is a common thread to all addictions. They are all behaviors that we turn to for comfort when stressed or to indulge in to celebrate. Drinking, drugging, gambling, smoking, eating, sex…. They all fit this criteria. My guess is they all have similar stages of recovery as well.

So the first step is admitting you have a problem right. Well I admit it. I have a problem and I want to do something about it.


  1. I relate to a lot of this post. I am fully convinced that I'm a food addict, though. Reaching that point, 20 years ago more or less, made a huge difference in what I was willing to do to try to change. And, it's working!

  2. You know Xina, it wasn't until I was blogging for awhile (all the while "normal" dieting and constantly struggling and failing) that I thought I too was an addict, a food addict.

    But you know, as I started to find success (NOT in the form of dieting but in a form of "anti-dieting"), I found that I wasn't addicted to food at all. I was addicted to dieting!LOL!

    Whatever road you take - I'm rootin' for you!!