Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Report card time

Weight this morning: 223.5
Grade for the week- C+

When I was in school, I heard many of my teachers lament about how little effort I put into my work. They accused me of “skating by on my natural intelligence”. I was able to get the right answers without trying very hard, and never really gave back more than the bare minimum that was asked of me. I remember if given a 500 word essay I would keep count and only submit 500 words. If I had to make it 5 pages, I would adjust margins and font size until I got a 5th page filled. In math class I rarely “showed my work” and I almost never raised my hand. Since technically the work I submitted was correct they couldn’t fail me, but they rarely gave me a grade higher than a B.

I think my teachers thought I was lazy, though if I could tell them now, the truth is that I was bored. I didn’t really see the point to a lot of what I was studying in high school. I still don’t really. I can’t remember the last time I had to figure a differential equation. I don’t recall ever needing to know when the French Indian war ended.

The same sort of apathy I had about my studies in high school is creeping into my plans to lose weight. I’m not putting in the effort that I should be to see top notch results. There is a part of my brain that I am convinced is still a surly adolescent who just doesn’t see the point in putting in hard work when she can just skate by and “maintain”. She complains about having to exercise, puts in the bare minimum effort. She cheats on her food allowances, justifies errors and hides her mistakes.

So it’s no wonder that I’m not seeing the results I want. I know that I can do better than this. I want to do better than this. I even know how to do better than this.

So why did I find myself in the kitchen when my husband was giving my son his bath stuffing a cookie into my mouth last week? Why did I eat the last spoonful of rice when I was dishing out dinner last night before bringing the plates to the table? Why am I still hitting the snooze alarm rather than getting up and exercising in the morning?

I guess what I don’t know, is how to make what is in my head and heart translate into action. Maybe I need more structure. Maybe I need more accountability.

I think it might help if I forget the bigger picture for a while and just focus on smaller projects, shorter term goals that will get me closer to the overall result that I want to achieve. I’m figuring that if all goes according to plan this year, I would like to lose another 40-50 pounds. This would mean that I would start 2012 at what I consider to be my ideal weight. But that is so far away and such an abstract concept for me at this point and I’m simply not doing what I need to do to get there and I think if I don’t change something I’ll have another year of not quite meeting my personal goals again.

So here is my first attempt at breaking it down. By February 14 (Valentine’s Day) I want to achieve the following-
• Lose 5 pounds bring my weight down to 218
• Cut and color my hair
• Complete at least 8 20 minute workouts in the morning.
• Complete at least 8 30 minute workouts in the evening.

I remember as a young girl I was always told that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else in this world to love you. So this year for Valentine’s Day I’m giving myself a little tough love. I’m going to prove to myself that I do think I’m worth more.
I’m going to put in the “A” effort.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Getting over that hurdle.

Weigh in this morning: 221.4

Mood: Overall fairly positive.

I think I am finally breaking free from the damage I did over the last few months. I’m tempted (extremely tempted) top try to blame my recent fall off the wagon on the holidays, but I know it was more than that and started well before “holiday season”.

I’ve been able to leave the carbs alone completely the last few days, I think this is because I stocked up on acceptable items. I find when I’m ready to snack, I have to have a low carb alternative ready and waiting for me. I’m still not quite over my cravings for sweets, but I know that will come in time if I’m consistent. I’m hoping I can keep it up consistently for at least another week. I feel like it will take about one more week before I reach that sweet spot where I can eat my foods without thinking about the other stuff around me, or even really wanting it. *Fingers crossed*

In other news - I ended up breaking a tooth 2 nights ago. It was an old root canal that I never got a crown for and I guess the tooth became brittle as a result. So now I have to get a post and crown put in. So much for saving cash this year….

I’m also on the hunt for a potty training method for my son. The boy is frustrating me. I can get him to sit on the potty chair, but not actually go potty in it. For instance the other night I asked him to use the potty before his bath time. He sat on it, made a “pisssssssss” sound with his mouth, said “No, don’t have to” got up and went into the living room where he pee’d all over my hardwood floor. At least he was courteous enough to avoid the carpet, I suppose. I’m at a loss for how to go about this because he has sensory integration disorder and I’m not certain that he feels when he needs to go the same way other kids do. He has problems with body awareness in that he doesn’t always realize when he’s hungry, thirsty, hot, cold etc until it’s imperative. He often goes for hours without eating and then suddenly a switch will flip and he’ll start screaming that it’s “TIME TO EAT!!” Anyway, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I’m all ears. He’s going to be 3 in April and I would really like to have him at least starting to use the toilet by his birthday…

That’s it for me today folks.

Be well!

Friday, January 14, 2011

Change is good.

There is something inside of me that is changing. I’m growing, maturing and gaining strength. For most of my life I have had an awful habit of second guessing myself. I felt timid and shy; secretly believing that I wasn’t “good enough”. I didn’t believe love would ever come my way. I never thought that I deserved to better things in life. That’s changing now. As I grow older I am finding a desire to give myself the nurturing that I clearly missed out on earlier in life. My husband and son have taught me so much about what it means to love and be loved in return. I know I am not the best wife or the perfect mother, but still they love me just the same and that is a wonderful safety net.

Now that I have the comfort of knowing that I can mess up, that I don’t have to be perfect; I feel empowered and more confident to take steps I was too afraid to take before. I still have a long way to go, but I believe I can do it. I believe that I deserve it.

I’m still sick and battling a terrible cold. I rarely ever get sick and I really don’t handle it very well. I’ve been a bit of a baby lately but I’m still doing the best that I can.

I found out that my job is (most likely) safe for at least another year. Which is a relief, but I still don’t have the feeling of genuine job security that I had prior to the merger. At least I can relax a little and I have time to try to sock away as much money as I can in the meantime. Part of me was looking forward to a lay off, I was hoping to be able to take a break from the 9-5 for a couple of months and just hang with the boy. They were going to give me 12 weeks of severance pay if they laid me off this year as part of the contract for the merger, not a bad sum to bum around for the summer on. Since they are keeping me longer, I’ll only get a measly 6 weeks if they decide to lay me off after November 1st. So I’m really hoping that means they don’t plan to lay anyone else off for some time to come, because if I miss out on the extra severance pay by only a month or two I’ll be royally pissed.

I’m doing okay with the food. Yesterday would have been perfect except that I woke up in the middle of the night with a pukey stomach due to the severe nasal drip I’ve had, so I ate a couple of my son’s graham crackers to help settle my stomach. If I can just kick this cold I think I’ll be right on track.

I hope you all are having success meeting your goals so far this year!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Soul Searching

There a certain blogger who asks us the question “why do you do this?” every week. I look forward to these posts because I always find it so wonderful and inspirational to see the why behind everyone’s efforts. It’s not easy to do this, it very hard and can be a struggle more often than not. We deprive ourselves and push our bodies and quite literally fight against years of ingrained habit.

To be successful at anything this difficult one has to be highly motivated. So what motivates a person to turn their lifestyle (and quite often the lifestyle of their entire family) completely upside down? What will motivate me to do it?

This is a question burning in the back of my mind right now. If I am completely honest I have a serious motivation problem at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want the results; I really do want my young hot body back. I’m just finding it incredibly difficult to find the will to take the small steps that will eventually add up to the big result.

I seem to be sputtering along this journey while so many others are motoring along at a nice even pace. As soon as I start to gain some steam, my engine stalls. I’m driving a Jalopy, my body is a lemon and I’m being passed by dozens of young sporty models who have nicely tuned engines and a seemingly endless supply of fuel.

So I find myself these days disheartened somewhat. I’m wondering if I can even do this. If it’s even worth the effort it takes anymore. I thought that my health would be a factor, so I went to the doctor hoping to be scared straight. Turns out I’m a very healthy obese person. Blood pressure is normal, triglycerides are good, and blood sugar is healthy….

The doctor should have lied to me, told me I was pre-diabetic or that I had high cholesterol or something.

I tried dozens of times to quit smoking because it was “unhealthy” but I was never successful at doing it until I got pregnant and the abstract health consequences became a concrete right here, right now kind of need.

It makes me angry to see little or no change when I put in a good week. It makes me more jealous than I care to admit when I see other folks losing 5 pounds a week consistently. I have seen people who started off almost a hundred pounds heavier than me pass me by. While I’m applauding their success I can’t help but turn inward at the same time and wonder what the hell I’m doing wrong, why can’t I make it happen? If they can do it why can’t I?

Then it occurs to me that I can do it. I might be driving a hooptie car, but it still runs. It might take me longer to arrive at the party, but I’ll still get there eventually. As long as I have good friends around me to give me a jump start from time to time I’ll be just fine.

My journey is just that – my journey. It’s no one else’s. I cannot compare my success or failures to others. I will get there in my own time, my own way. I will sputter and stall and kick the tires along the way. But I will also make repairs along the way, buy the premium gas and get the engine cleaned and replace a few belts and hoses that are worn out. I’ll take the time to get some much needed body work done. By the time I arrive I’ll look almost as good as new.

I guess what is motivating me to not give up is that, while I may have the body of an old beat-up truck, I have the heart and soul of a hotrod. I am bound and determined to make the outside match the me that is inside again.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Home Sick

I called out sick from work today. At first I was planning to fake it because I had no one to watch the boy. But then last night I actually got the worst sore throat of my life. So I didn't even have to lie this morning when I left the message that I was not going to be in today.

I have no desire or energy to clean, so while I really should be putting away Christmas today, I decided instead to try to figure out this whole twitter thing. So I opened an account. Those of you I could find, I followed. But I was really having a hard time figuring the whole thing out. If you want me to follow you, just hit the button that I put at the top of my blog and follow me. I promise I will follow you back.

Due to the illness, I haven't been completely at all on plan. I wish I could tell you the worst thing I had today were Sucrets. But I can't. I'm cutting myself a little slack though because it really does hurt to swallow, especially meat. So I'm eating mostly mushy soft stuff, which unfortunately isn't really low carb.

Then again, when it hurts to eat, how much does one generally consume?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

So far, so good...

Today's official Tuesday weigh in - 225.2
I'm still up from my lowest weight but down a couple of pounds from what I started the year at.

I'm home today with my little boy who has a winter bug. My sister in law normally watches him, but she's out of town this week so my husband and I are trading days off, each working half the week. I guess it worked out well because since he's not feeling well he's been exceptionally clingy (even regressing to wanting me to sleep with him all night), so he probably wants his mommy a little more than typical. It's not working out in the sense that I had hoped to get so much more accomplished with my time off, like organize my apartment finally...

I'm feeling like I'm in desperate need of a makeover. Not just my weight, but all over. I have succumbed to the mommy syndrome of taking care of everyone but myself. I need to change this. I need to learn that I deserve to be taken care of too. So I am going to find time to go through my wardrobe and have a make-believe "what not to wear" session in my bedroom this weekend and throw out half of my clothes.
I would have to guess that most of what I own either doesn't fit properly anymore or is hopelessly out of date. I have more clothes than I have room for, yet I have nothing to wear most days. Then I will buy the key items I find I need to round out and update my wardrobe one at a time over the next year. I think this simple (though not easy) step will go a long way in making me feel like an attractive, fashionable woman again. And it gives me a built in system of non-food rewards. So instead of celebrating with a Latte and a cupcake, I can celebrate with a new belt or a pretty camisole.

By 2012 I'll be so damn hot my hubby won't know what hit him!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year!

I love new year's because it represents a fresh start. All of the things that went wrong over the recent past can be forgotten and let go. For me it's a time to forgive and forget, not only the slights that others have dealt me, but also for my own shortcomings.  I don't really make resolutions so much as I try to cleanse myself of unwanted baggage. My weight has been some pretty heavy baggage for some time. 

I accomplished a lot towards my weight-loss goals in 2010, but I got derailed about halfway through and lost sight of what I was trying to accomplish. 
To be perfectly honest, 2010 sucked big time.
But that is all behind me now, 2010 is over and 2011 is a brand new year, a year ripe with possibilities for positive changes.
I'm starting out the year at 228 pounds. I gained about 10 pounds back. But I can lose them and more this time around.
Today was a good food day. I watched my carbs all day and aside from a very small bite of cookie (I forgot for a second) I consumed no sugar. Now I just have to have 363 more days exactly like this one.
And since it's a new year, I decided to go with a new look for my page. I'm not sure that I"m done fiddling with it, but I do like it a lot better now. Hopefully someday it will look as good as all of your blogs do.

Here's hoping for a healthy and prosperous new year!