Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Soul Searching

There a certain blogger who asks us the question “why do you do this?” every week. I look forward to these posts because I always find it so wonderful and inspirational to see the why behind everyone’s efforts. It’s not easy to do this, it very hard and can be a struggle more often than not. We deprive ourselves and push our bodies and quite literally fight against years of ingrained habit.

To be successful at anything this difficult one has to be highly motivated. So what motivates a person to turn their lifestyle (and quite often the lifestyle of their entire family) completely upside down? What will motivate me to do it?

This is a question burning in the back of my mind right now. If I am completely honest I have a serious motivation problem at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want the results; I really do want my young hot body back. I’m just finding it incredibly difficult to find the will to take the small steps that will eventually add up to the big result.

I seem to be sputtering along this journey while so many others are motoring along at a nice even pace. As soon as I start to gain some steam, my engine stalls. I’m driving a Jalopy, my body is a lemon and I’m being passed by dozens of young sporty models who have nicely tuned engines and a seemingly endless supply of fuel.

So I find myself these days disheartened somewhat. I’m wondering if I can even do this. If it’s even worth the effort it takes anymore. I thought that my health would be a factor, so I went to the doctor hoping to be scared straight. Turns out I’m a very healthy obese person. Blood pressure is normal, triglycerides are good, and blood sugar is healthy….

The doctor should have lied to me, told me I was pre-diabetic or that I had high cholesterol or something.

I tried dozens of times to quit smoking because it was “unhealthy” but I was never successful at doing it until I got pregnant and the abstract health consequences became a concrete right here, right now kind of need.

It makes me angry to see little or no change when I put in a good week. It makes me more jealous than I care to admit when I see other folks losing 5 pounds a week consistently. I have seen people who started off almost a hundred pounds heavier than me pass me by. While I’m applauding their success I can’t help but turn inward at the same time and wonder what the hell I’m doing wrong, why can’t I make it happen? If they can do it why can’t I?

Then it occurs to me that I can do it. I might be driving a hooptie car, but it still runs. It might take me longer to arrive at the party, but I’ll still get there eventually. As long as I have good friends around me to give me a jump start from time to time I’ll be just fine.

My journey is just that – my journey. It’s no one else’s. I cannot compare my success or failures to others. I will get there in my own time, my own way. I will sputter and stall and kick the tires along the way. But I will also make repairs along the way, buy the premium gas and get the engine cleaned and replace a few belts and hoses that are worn out. I’ll take the time to get some much needed body work done. By the time I arrive I’ll look almost as good as new.

I guess what is motivating me to not give up is that, while I may have the body of an old beat-up truck, I have the heart and soul of a hotrod. I am bound and determined to make the outside match the me that is inside again.

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