Friday, January 14, 2011

Change is good.

There is something inside of me that is changing. I’m growing, maturing and gaining strength. For most of my life I have had an awful habit of second guessing myself. I felt timid and shy; secretly believing that I wasn’t “good enough”. I didn’t believe love would ever come my way. I never thought that I deserved to better things in life. That’s changing now. As I grow older I am finding a desire to give myself the nurturing that I clearly missed out on earlier in life. My husband and son have taught me so much about what it means to love and be loved in return. I know I am not the best wife or the perfect mother, but still they love me just the same and that is a wonderful safety net.

Now that I have the comfort of knowing that I can mess up, that I don’t have to be perfect; I feel empowered and more confident to take steps I was too afraid to take before. I still have a long way to go, but I believe I can do it. I believe that I deserve it.

I’m still sick and battling a terrible cold. I rarely ever get sick and I really don’t handle it very well. I’ve been a bit of a baby lately but I’m still doing the best that I can.

I found out that my job is (most likely) safe for at least another year. Which is a relief, but I still don’t have the feeling of genuine job security that I had prior to the merger. At least I can relax a little and I have time to try to sock away as much money as I can in the meantime. Part of me was looking forward to a lay off, I was hoping to be able to take a break from the 9-5 for a couple of months and just hang with the boy. They were going to give me 12 weeks of severance pay if they laid me off this year as part of the contract for the merger, not a bad sum to bum around for the summer on. Since they are keeping me longer, I’ll only get a measly 6 weeks if they decide to lay me off after November 1st. So I’m really hoping that means they don’t plan to lay anyone else off for some time to come, because if I miss out on the extra severance pay by only a month or two I’ll be royally pissed.

I’m doing okay with the food. Yesterday would have been perfect except that I woke up in the middle of the night with a pukey stomach due to the severe nasal drip I’ve had, so I ate a couple of my son’s graham crackers to help settle my stomach. If I can just kick this cold I think I’ll be right on track.

I hope you all are having success meeting your goals so far this year!

1 comment:

  1. "As I grow older I am finding a desire to give myself the nurturing that I clearly missed out on earlier in life."


    This post really resonates with me because I find myself somewhere between your first and second paragraphs - wanting to be kinder to myself, but not quite there yet in the BEING kinder to myself (if that makes sense). And mistakes/perfectionism plays a huge role in not being able to forgive myself. Any tips? :)

    So glad to hear about your job! :)