Weight this morning: 223.5
Grade for the week- C+
When I was in school, I heard many of my teachers lament about how little effort I put into my work. They accused me of “skating by on my natural intelligence”. I was able to get the right answers without trying very hard, and never really gave back more than the bare minimum that was asked of me. I remember if given a 500 word essay I would keep count and only submit 500 words. If I had to make it 5 pages, I would adjust margins and font size until I got a 5th page filled. In math class I rarely “showed my work” and I almost never raised my hand. Since technically the work I submitted was correct they couldn’t fail me, but they rarely gave me a grade higher than a B.
I think my teachers thought I was lazy, though if I could tell them now, the truth is that I was bored. I didn’t really see the point to a lot of what I was studying in high school. I still don’t really. I can’t remember the last time I had to figure a differential equation. I don’t recall ever needing to know when the French Indian war ended.
The same sort of apathy I had about my studies in high school is creeping into my plans to lose weight. I’m not putting in the effort that I should be to see top notch results. There is a part of my brain that I am convinced is still a surly adolescent who just doesn’t see the point in putting in hard work when she can just skate by and “maintain”. She complains about having to exercise, puts in the bare minimum effort. She cheats on her food allowances, justifies errors and hides her mistakes.
So it’s no wonder that I’m not seeing the results I want. I know that I can do better than this. I want to do better than this. I even know how to do better than this.
So why did I find myself in the kitchen when my husband was giving my son his bath stuffing a cookie into my mouth last week? Why did I eat the last spoonful of rice when I was dishing out dinner last night before bringing the plates to the table? Why am I still hitting the snooze alarm rather than getting up and exercising in the morning?
I guess what I don’t know, is how to make what is in my head and heart translate into action. Maybe I need more structure. Maybe I need more accountability.
I think it might help if I forget the bigger picture for a while and just focus on smaller projects, shorter term goals that will get me closer to the overall result that I want to achieve. I’m figuring that if all goes according to plan this year, I would like to lose another 40-50 pounds. This would mean that I would start 2012 at what I consider to be my ideal weight. But that is so far away and such an abstract concept for me at this point and I’m simply not doing what I need to do to get there and I think if I don’t change something I’ll have another year of not quite meeting my personal goals again.
So here is my first attempt at breaking it down. By February 14 (Valentine’s Day) I want to achieve the following-
• Lose 5 pounds bring my weight down to 218
• Cut and color my hair
• Complete at least 8 20 minute workouts in the morning.
• Complete at least 8 30 minute workouts in the evening.
I remember as a young girl I was always told that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else in this world to love you. So this year for Valentine’s Day I’m giving myself a little tough love. I’m going to prove to myself that I do think I’m worth more.
I’m going to put in the “A” effort.