Friday, July 30, 2010

They say it's my birthday....

Today is my Birthday. I woke up this morning 36 years old.

I must have had too much fun when I was younger because I seem to have misplaced a few years. I feel like it wasn’t really that long ago that I was 26. It must have been during those missing years that I gained all this weight too, because I honestly don’t remember getting fat. It’s like I just woke up one morning and did a double take when I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I’m still trying to piece together how it happened. I’m still trying to get to where I need to be. I had a gain this week, which was evident by the lack of posting on my part. I love to brag when I am successful but when I’m not I shut down. It wasn’t a huge gain, a little more than a pound, but frustrating none the less.

I question all the time if I can do this or not.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can……….

I want to.

I want to be thin and look good enough to turn heads again. I want to look like I’m 26… not just feel 26.

But I also want to eat Cinnabons without a second thought.

And I’m more than a little angry that there are no low-carb convenience foods to be found in the grocery store. I bought some sugar free barley muffins that looked promising, label had 11 grams total carbohydrate, 3 grams of Fiber for a net carb count of 8. Not great, but not horrible if I really wanted something baked with my coffee in the morning. I wanted to have them at my desk at work and they came in extra handy this week because someone (I won’t name names…) kept bringing in donuts and bagels. Then this morning I re-read the label, a serving size is half a muffin. All of a sudden I had to double my counts. So it’s no surprise I had a gain….

Who really eats only half a muffin? There should be a law against that…

Friday, July 23, 2010

Shopping disappointments

This morning's weight was 218.
My mood today- kind of steady as she goes....

First I want to thank all of you for the great, supportive comments regarding my birthday cake dilema. I really appreciate it! I'm waffeling right now between attempting to make a sugar free cheesecake, attempting to find a sugar free cheesecake to purchase, and just saying screw it and letting my husband buy me a real cake. I have a feeling that the third option will be dependent upon the level of difficulty in the first two.
I did have quite a disappointment when I was trying to buy a new dress yesterday. I really really wanted something new (and a size smaller!) for my birthday. But while the smaller sizes fit good on my bottom half, my top was still a little too....buxom to pull it off in public. It would appear that I am not losing weight evenly across my body so nothing is really fitting right any more. I think I've lost it mostly in my legs. My stomach is getting smaller, but it's kinda stretched out still from being preggo and then really fat afterwords. I think it will take some time to snap back to what it was...if it ever really gets to what it was again.

So yeah, I was hoping I would have something new to make me feel pretty, but it doesn't look like it's going to pan out for me. I guess that's okay. I really didn't want to spend too much money on clothes that I'm hoping won't fint in a few months anyway.

Otherwise, not a lot is going on 'round these parts. My son's new favorite word is "no" but it's kind of cute the way he says it. I'm sure it will get old real fast though.

Random observation I made today... Does Disney have something against Moms? I just happened to notice that if a Disney character has a mom in the movie mentioned at all... She gets killed off pretty quickly. What's up with that?

So anyway, I'm hoping that you all have a nice weekend and stay cool (especially if you are anywhere in the NE United States, it's gonna hit 100 tomorrow! Yikes!).

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Cry Baby.

My weight this morning was 217.6

I don’t know exactly what I weighed when I got pregnant with my son, but I would say that’s within a pound or so.

Not that I don’t still have more to lose until I get to a healthy weight, but at least I can say I’ve lost my baby weight.

I’m in a pretty good mood these days. I think I’m more resigned to this being my new lifestyle. That sounds bad doesn’t it? Being resigned to live this way? As if this is a distasteful unappealing lifestyle that I have to adopt against my will.

The truth is that eating lower amounts of carbs really does make me feel better. And the recipes are all so dang tasty! I mean last night I had a think steak with a side salad for dinner and blueberries in cream for dessert. How many peeps following the traditional low fat “healthy” diet can enjoy that kind of meal. Truth be told I don’t even like baked potatoes, so I really don’t miss them.

What do I miss? Sweets.

To my great surprise I must have managed to develop quite a sweet tooth over the years. I say I’m surprised because I never really considered that I was a dessert kind of girl. Growing up I was the kid who still had Easter candy in the freezer at Halloween. We rarely had desert in our house and when we did it was usually some fresh strawberries or watermelon or some vanilla ice cream. Cakes and cookies were for birthdays or holidays. I never really missed not having them either.

So when did I develop an obsessive love for fudgy brownies? I don’t know, but I confess I love me some ooey gooey hot from the oven chocolatey goodness. And I know there are low-carb versions I could make, but in this one area I just can’t do it. It’s not that the low carb versions aren’t good…. but they aren’t make my knees buckle and melt into an orgasmic puddle on the floor good. I find I’m always a little disappointed in the low-carb baked goods. It makes me feel slightly depressed and I end up tearing up the kitchen trying to find that one thing that will satisfy the craving for sweet baked goods. I tell myself that sugar is poison and that I shouldn’t eat any of it, but I’m like a dog who found a bowl of antifreeze any time fresh baked goods are around.

So I’m trying to keep the desserts out of the house. Luckily my husband is a big fan of pre-wrapped Little Debbie type snacks, which I detest and always have. The thing is, my birthday is coming up next week and I kind of want a birthday cake. But if I have a real birthday cake I know it will trigger cravings for more sweets. And this is making me angry.

Yes it took me all this rambling along to get to the point. I want a Birthday cake on my birthday and I’m afraid that a sugar free one just won’t be any good and I’m depressed and sad that I have to live a life without birthday cake.

I feel like a little kid who dropped his ice cream cone in the dirt. I’m such a baby.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Which came first the fat or the sloth…?

I was reading an article about a study that was recently done that showed that gaining weight led to inactivity in obese kids and not the other way around. In other words the kids got fat, being fat made it more difficult to move, so they stopped moving as much. The advice they gave as a result of this study was to focus on children’s diets more than activity levels. (Of course this doesn’t mean that it’s now permissible to park in front of a TV and play video games all day.) Healthy kids are naturally very active.

I can attest to this. I have a two year old boy who has been in Physical and Occupational therapies since he was 4 months old. Movement is very difficult for him. It’s hard work. It requires more effort and strength for him to walk, run, climb stairs etc than an average child. Yet he wears me out some days because all wants to do is run and dance and wrestle. Every night he takes my hand and says “Mommy, this way” and runs with me down the hallway, laughing the whole way. We get the bedroom and he says “Now this way” and runs with me back to the living room. This repeats until mommy falls down and says “No more! Mommy’s tired!” at which point he throws himself across my chest demanding me to “wake up mommy! Wake up!”

My husband turns on the music and my son starts to sway to the music. He has an uncanny natural sense of rhythm that I cannot account for in our gene pool. He dances with his whole body, swinging his arms and stomping his feet. He closes his eyes and takes the music into himself. There is joy in his movement and pride on his face as he learns to use his body.

He is not graceful, in fact he falls a lot. Just last night he ran into the corner of the computer desk. He cried and snuggled into my arms. But after a few moments of soothing his wounded noggin and hurt pride, he was right back on his feet doing the “dino march”. He doesn’t let a set-back make him stop trying.

When did I stop finding joy in movement? When did I become so self conscious of how well I moved in comparison to others that I stopped being proud of my own improvements? As my son watches my every action, imitating me to the best of his ability, I am struck by the fact that I should be imitating him.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

4 out of 30

Today’s weight 221.8

The water was not so good yesterday, but I was able to get my carbs down to about 35, but I would still like to do less. It was the late night snack that did me in -Greek yogurt and blueberries with a little Splenda. It was Yummy though!

I’m not so sure what the bump up on the scale is. I hate that daily fluctuation, it always pisses me off.

Dinner was fantastic. The batteries on my camera died but here's a picture I found on line and this is pretty much what it looks like.

Here’s how I made it.

I put a two pound pork roast into a crock pot. Drained and rinsed a big can of sauerkraut and dumped that over the port. I sprinkled that with an envelope of onion soup mix. Then I added a chopped Valencia onion and some leftover apple slices. Sprinkled all with 1/3 cup granulated Splenda and poured about 2 mugs of water over the whole thing. Covered and cooked on low for 12 hours.

I don’t know what the exact carb count is, but I’m estimating it to be about 5 net carbs per serving.

It was super easy and cooked all day while I was at work and running to the hospital. My two year old son loved it and had two helpings which is a great compliment since he is known to not really eat anything except pizza and hamburgers. He even learned a new word – Sauerkraut! My husband had his with some mashed potatoes and said it was really good. I think he was a little surprised to like it.

I have got to tell you all that I am a huge fan of the slow cooker. To me it is by far the easiest way to get a home cooked meal with lots of flavor on the table without having to put dinner off until 8. We’re having it for dinner tonight as well.

Today I’m sleepy. It’s a cloudy, drizzling kind of day outside so I’m having a hard time waking up. Plus my son decided to wake me up an hour and a half before my alarm was set to go off. Normally I love being mommy but at 5 am it’s rough.

I have to remember that once I become a gazillionaire to hire a nanny, at least for the mornings.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 2 & 3 out of 30

Weight yesterday AM 221.1
Weight this morning 220.8

Carbs yesterday- 40 Not bad considering I spent the day att he hospital.
Water intake was better too, I think I had about 4 glasses of plain water along with  a diet coke and my morning coffee.

Today- so far so good. I have dinner going in the crockpot. Pork and Sauerkraut. It promises to be very tasty and very low carb so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the recipe (and my tweaks to lower the sugar content) is a keeper. If it is I'll post pictures and the recipe for you all.

Mood- Better. All things considered I was feeling considerably less frazeled yesterday and able to relax with very little anxiety last night while watching True Blood. This morning I woke up earlier than usual and didn't really feel too tired as a consequence. I don't know if I can chalk the sudden lift in mood up to lowering my carbs just yet though since I had my lady time of the month start this morning too. I've always been a little extra sensitive during the days leading up to my TOM so I'm not surprised I was an emotional mess these last few days.

On a separate note, I'm one of those unfortunate people who cannot tan. I turn red in the sun with  about 5 minutes and then I peel and then I'm stark white again. I'm so pale I'm self conscious when I wear shorts because I feel like my legs literally glow. And I don't care who you are, no one finds pale white fat thighs with cellulite attractive.

So I got to thinking, what can I do to make this better. I'm working on weightloss.... so that will help for the future, but when it's 105 out I can't wait to wear shorts or a bathing suit. So I decided to try a self tanner. Tan legs always look thinner and more toned than pale legs right? besides how hard can it be...

I got one of those gradual tanners that you apply after a shower like lotion. The first application was okay. I did it before going to bed. When I woke up it was not too dark, but it was supposed to be gradual right? Okay so after my morning shower I put on a second application. About 30 minutes later I noticed that my knees an heels had turned orange. Next time I'll avoid my knees and feet because that just looked weird, there is nothing natural looking about orange heels.

The next thing I noticed was when the smell hit me. Turns out that Sunless Tanners stink like a cross between urine and dirt. It has to do with the chemical reaction that changes your skin's color. Trying to cover it with something else just made me smell like a homeless person wearing perfume. If you're going to try this, make sure it's on a day when you don't have to be anywhere that people will smell you.

Luckily it seems that the stink was washed away with my shower last night. I scrubbed my knees and feet so they aren't as orange now. The end result has left me with nicely tanned legs. I won't go any darker than this now, I'll just re-apply as it starts to fade in a day or two. Overall, I'm pretty happy with the result and I'm not tempting skin cancer.

Anyway- Happy Monday to all! Hope you have a great week!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

30 day challenge day one

weight this morning 221.7

Total Carbs consumed 29

Water - well...I had one glass of plain water, one glass of sparkeling water, a cup of coffee and an ultra light beer. Though not in that order. I have to do better in this area. Maybe I'll chug another glass right now.

Mood- I'm annoyed, angry, irritated, guilty and worried.

I've mentioned before that my grandparents were both coming into their last days here on earth before going home to be with Jesus. I might get into more details later about what has been happening lately, but for now we'll just say that they are not doing well.

I have to stop worrying about being the perfect daughter though. I can't do it anymore. I have to shift my loyalties from my birth family to my own family. I come from a very co-dependent fucked up family and they say they understand and wan tme to live my life, but then they keep trying to drag me into their drama. And I am so tired of the drama.

Anyway- Like I said I"m kinda in a bad mood. Hopefully it will be better next time I post.

Friday, July 9, 2010

30 Day challenge

I’ve decided to give myself a 30 day challenge. I need a goal, a deadline to kick myself into gear and not give up. I think a short term plan is best. I’m not shooting for any specific amount of weight loss, but I want to be sure that I’m giving it my best effort possible.

Here are my rules:

1. Drink more water. I don’t drink much water at ALL. So I’m going to try to shot for 3-4 glasses a day. That will be a BIG improvement.

2. Limit Carb count to 30 net carbs a day. I have been following a “low carb” approach, but I’ve been a victim recently to carb creep. Since I don’t actually count my carbs everyday, I think this is the single most important thing I can do to help get things moving again. It will help me visualize how many carbs are REALLY in what I’m eating.

3. Keep track of my progress on my blog every day. I will track my morning weight, amount of net carbs consumed and the number of glasses of water I’ve had. I know people say to weight yourself weekly or whatever. I can’t do it. I see the scale I get on the scale. I might as well let you all know what number I see.

4. I also want to see if there really is a connection to my mood and how I’m eating, so I’m going to give an update of that as well on my blog. I’ve always suspected that my mood improved when I was good about keeping my carbs down, but I want to see if it really works…if it does I think it will provide additional motivation when I’m tempted to eat those double chocolate brownies.

Since I only decided this in the afternoon today, I’m making tomorrow day 1. This means my 30 day challenge is going to last until 8/08/10.

My hope is that once I’m done I’ll be well into my groove and will WANT to continue onward.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 8, 2010


I’ve been away on vacation. Well not really away. I wanted to go away but forces conspired against me and so I stayed in town. I did get so much needed R&R in though.

Now I’m back at work and I really don’t want to be here.

Why does it seem that the people who are able to live a life of leisure don’t really appreciate it? It’s terribly tragic that I have to spend my days doing mindless data entry and answering phone calls from obnoxious sales men just so I can keep a rented roof over my child’s head. What I wouldn’t give for my “job” to simply be to look as beautiful and vibrant as possible all the time.

I would have personal dieticians planning my menus for me and private chefs to cook it all up. A personal trainer would gently wake me for my morning workout with fresh brewed coffee and an egg white omelet. My son would have plenty of one on one therapy every day and could spend his afternoons playing with his mommy. My husband wouldn’t have to degrade himself by having to take a job that was beneath him because his unemployment was running out.

I could get used to the idea of being able to sail away on our yacht on a bright summer day. Lounging beachside after a grueling day of manicures, pedicures and massages is a job I could do with relish. A professional stylist would pick out my clothes every day, keeping me far from the fine line that separates casual from frumpy. I would be pampered and pretty and put together.

Yes, I want to be a gazillionaire! I want to have a helicopter on standby to bypass traffic and for people to pay me to show up at their parties. I want to be so rich that people give me diamonds for free! I want to be able to adopt a dozen babies and open my own school for disadvantaged youth.

I know they say that money can’t buy happiness and all…. But I’m thinking it could rent it for awhile!