Saturday, January 30, 2010

Awesome Low Carb recipe.

Oh my God I just loved this recipe courtesy of Linda's Low Carb Menus.

This Spicy Chicken and Spinach Casserole was just the thing on a insanely cold day like today.
I didn't have the sour cream, so I omitted that and I used a bag of fresh salad spinach instead of the frozen. Even my husband and 1 year old son loved it. And my husband normally hates spinach.
My son kept saying Mmmmm Yummy! as he gobbled it down. I served it with rice and tostadas for them and a low carb tortilla for me.
I think that's what I like so much about low carb dieting. That I can easily make one meal that the whole family can eat together and just tweek a few things at serving time.

At 5 net carbs per serving + 3 net carbs from the LC tortilla, I felt I could splurge on a Bud Light Lime (8 carbs).

Mmmmmm Belly is very happy!

Friday, January 29, 2010


Sorry I disappeared for awhile.

I’ve been dealing with some things in my family that have taken my attention from blogging. Turns out my Grandfather, who was more of a dad to me than my biological father was, has lung cancer that spread to his liver. This is his third bout with cancer, but it doesn’t look like this time he’s going to beat it. I’m sad, but at peace with it now. He’s the greatest man I’ve ever known. So my family has needed me to be there right now. But now that the initial shock of the situation has dulled slightly, life is beginning to settle back into its old familiar routines.

The weight loss has been excruciatingly slow. I think I’ve lost maybe ½ pound in the last two weeks. I’m really not cheating that much, so I’m not sure what’s going on. Can you plateau this early on? I’m not good at counting and measuring, so I’ve been trying to eyeball everything. I guess it’s time to get a kitchen scale. I know I don’t drink enough water. So I bought a nice water bottle to keep on my desk. I have a pledge to drink two bottles before leaving for the day. I was skipping breakfast the last few days too, so I decided to stop doing that. Hopefully these changes will get me back to losing significant amounts again.

Keeping my fingers crossed for Tuesday!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Everybody needs a goal...

I was noticed! Hooray! My good friend Sara at work today asked me if I was on a diet because she noticed that I was looking thinner. She’s such a sweetheart and totally made my day. I’ve been keeping my weight loss attempt this time to myself for the most part. I’ve only really told my husband and my mom so far. I don’t know why, I guess I was just a little embarrassed to be trying AGAIN to lose the pounds.

Thanks for the encouragement on the last post too. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Continuous Changes was right, she said “It's harder to build yourself up when you are the first person to tear yourself down!!” So I’m taking this advice to heart. I am going to try not to beat myself up for my mistakes. And I am going to try to reinforce good behavior with a reward system for meeting little goals. This way I have something to look forward to and motivate me along the way.

So here’s the list-

5 pounds gone – New earrings
10 pounds gone- Trip to the Almay make-up counter
15 pounds gone- Manicure
20 pounds gone- Cute new sundress
25 pounds gone- New strappy sandals
30 pounds gone- Shorts (hate wearing b/c my knees are so fat.)
35 pounds gone- Bathing Suit
40 pounds gone- Sexy underwear
45 pounds gone- New jeans
50 pounds gone- Shopping spree!

I’m only a little more than one pound away from those new earrings. I can’t wait to go shopping!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Consistantly inconsistant........

Weigh in Week 2

234.00 loss of 0.2

Are you kidding me??? Seriously? What the hell! Only .2 pounds…


I know a loss is a loss. But at this rate it’s going to take me 3 ½ years to get to my first goal. Seeing that this morning really makes me hate myself. I’ve been trying so hard to stay positive. I want to cry but I can’t. I’m not giving up. I’m going to stick with it.

I feel humiliated and embarrassed. I feel like a disgusting whale. I am completely depressed. What did I do wrong? The only thing I can think of is I did little cheats here and there. Nothing major, but a taste while cooking for my son and husband, licking the spoon after making them dessert, a slice of bread over the weekend…


I guess I was feeling a little cocky after the first week’s big number. I am going to start getting on the scale every day again. I know that seems obsessive, but I would rather catch a creep-up immediately so I know what might have caused it.

I have no patience for this bull pucky. I want to be thin NOW darn it!


Saturday, January 16, 2010

I'm a cheater...

Yesterday was the first day I cheated a little bit.
I'm counting carbs, which is relatively easy to do, but you really have very little wiggle room when you do that. It's not like counting calories where you can make up for a cheat with excercise.
The daystarted off well enough, eggs and sausage for breakfast. But then I have a sugar free vanilla latte. I forgot about the carbs in the milk, I should have gotten a sugar free vanilla coffee with cream. Ok, one mistake- I learned something at least. Then later that day I had a grilled chicken salad from McDonalds. I dumped the whole packet of ranch on the salad before I read the label. Most ranch dressings only have 1-2 grams of carbohydrate per serving. Apparently Paul Newman added sugar to his dressing so this had waaaay more. Again, more of a mistake than an actual cheat. Then I was making vanilla pudding for my husband and son for desert, and I licked the spoon and ate the little bit left in the bowl when I was done. It couldn't have been more than an ounce, but feel terribly guilty about it. I didn't even really enjoy it that much. Anyway, all things considered I consumed about twice as many carbs as I am supposed to.
Tonight is going to be a huge test. I'm going over to my mom's house for dinner. So far she's been supportive, but she really doesn't understand the concept of the diet I'm following. So we'll see how it goes. I know she's making roast beef, so I'll be able to eat that. And I told her to have a salad, so there should be something for me. I thnk the trick is going to be not to make a big deal about what I'm not going to eat. Instead of telling her I won't eat the potatoes, I'll just say no thank you, and leave it at that. 
I can't stop peeking at the scale. I keep wanting to see if it was lower than the last time I was on it. So far it's moving in the right direction, but I know that my weight fluctuates daily and I shouldn't get hung up on the daily numbers. I'm afraid one day I'm going to see it go up and it will make me lose my resolve.
I'll let you know how my first family dinner goes tomorrow.
Fingers Crossed!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Attitude of Grattitude

Too often I focus on what I don’t like about my life. I don’t like that I have a small apartment. I don’t like that I’m not getting a raise this year. I don’t like that I have issues with food. I don’t like the way my body looks.

This negative thinking has become a source of frustration and disease in my life. Feeling badly about my body causes me to over eat to feel better. Because I am not happy with my living space, I spend money on home goods to make my home prettier – spending money that could have been saved towards a down payment on a house. Frustration over my job makes me feel burned out and less eager to perform above expectations, and I end up doing just enough to get by.

After watching the total devastation as rescue efforts unfold in Haiti over the last couple of days, I find that I can adopt a new attitude of gratefulness. This positive attitude will be healthier for my mind and my body.

Five things I am grateful for right now are-

1. My family has an abundance of food and I never have to worry that my son is going to bed hungry at night. I am in an enviable position that I have to try to figure out how not to eat as much, rather than having to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

2. I have a home with all the luxuries that make life comfortable. In a world where so many are forced to live in shacks and tents I have heat and hot running water. I have air conditioning in the summer. I have a washer and dryer and a dishwasher. I have cable TV. I am blessed.

3. Love is all around me. My husband is amazing in what he is willing to put up with from me. Always patient and kind, even when I am not. My son is the best thing I have ever done. He is still very young but I can see that he is growing into a sweet and compassionate person. My extended family is closely knit and we are always there for one another. My sisters and I would rip anyone to shreds who hurt one of us.

4. Every moment is an opportunity. I can choose to be compassionate to others. I can choose to give 100% dedication to my job. I can choose not to eat the cannolis that are in the break room this morning. I have opportunities all day long to be a better person.

5. I am healthy and alive. I know where my loved ones are and I know that they are healthy and alive. I take this for granted too often, but waking up this morning and seeing so many suffering. Hearing the anguish in the voices of those who can’t get through to their mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, cousins, aunts and uncles, etc. - I thank God that mine are safe.

So today I have decided not to focus on the things I want to change. Instead for the rest of the day I am going to simply be happy with what I already have.

What are you grateful for today?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Weigh in Week 2

01/12/2010 Weight = 234.2

That’s down 3.4 pounds! I am utterly shocked.

And so proud of myself right now that I’m doing the happy dance in my cubicle at work.

I really want to thank all the lovely peeps who have been leaving me encouragement over the last week. I can’t tell you how motivating that is. There have been several times when I’ve wanted to get into my son’s Teddy Grahams and stopped myself because I remembered that you all believed in me.

So thank you!

I know that that is a lot of weight for one week, and I don’t expect to lose at this pace throughout. Slow and steady wins the race, as the fable goes. I feel a lot more energy this morning than I have in a long time. This is good, because tonight when I get home from work I’m finally going to put the Christmas decorations away.

Can’t wait to see how you all did!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Feeling more like myself again

I’m feeling a little better now than I did the last time I posted. I’m still having cravings, but they aren’t as fierce, I’m finding that if I eat a small piece of sugar free chocolate at night it gives me enough satisfaction to get over it. Oh and Jello makes these Mousse temptations- sugar free desserts that have 60 calories and 3 net carbs per serving. They are awesome little cups of yumminess.

I am thinking about organizing my closet according to size. Over the years as I’ve gotten larger I have been reluctant to throw away my old clothes that no longer fit, telling myself I would get back into that pair of jeans or that dress or whatever. Right now all of my thin clothes are stuffed to the back of my closet or in plastic storage bins. I think seeing them again might be positive motivation.

I’m also considering doing a photo along with my weekly weigh in. I sort of did this when I was pregnant so I could see my bump growing. I’m a little hesitant to take fat photos of myself, but I think I’m going to start doing that tomorrow. The motivation as I see myself shrinking will be very good.

I still have not found the time to really exercise. As a working mom, I only get a couple of hours with my son when I get home and I’m usually in bed about an hour after I get him to sleep. I should try to walk on my lunch break or something, but it’s so damn cold outside. Plus I really hate to exercise and will find any excuse to avoid doing it. I was truly saddened when it came out that those belts that made your muscles twitch involuntarily did nothing for you (I can’t be the only one who remembers these things right?)

Can’t wait to weigh in and see my results tomorrow!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm a quitter!

I am hungry today.
I'm not really sure why, because I've eaten enough. But I am dying for desert tonight.
They say it take twenty days to start a new habit. I guess technically it is only day 6 for me. Maybe I'll make myself a cup of tea or something.
I wonder sometimes if the end result will be worth it. Will I actually be able to lose enough weight that it will matter? I mean, I have to lose something in the neighborhood of 80 pounds.  I'm 35, will be 36 this year. Am I too old to expect to be successful?
What if I stick with this, suffer the hunger pangs and deprive myself of the goodies I love...and end up only losing the same 10 pounds or so I always lose and then gain back again. I am so tired too. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I haven't excercised because I just can't muster the energy. I know if I was thinner, I would feel better, healthier. But the whole getting there makes me feel worse.
To top it all off I am very crabby and my husband is bearing the brunt of it. My head hurts and I am using all of my willpower to smile and play with my son. I don't have enough in me to fake it for my husband. Maybe it's withdrawls.
I feel alot like I did when I quit smoking. BTW- it's been 4 years since I've smoked a cigarette and I still want one every time the weather turns warm enough that I could be sitting out on my deck and smoking while sipping on a glass of wine. It took several times for me to finally quit. I had to learn that under no circumstances could I ever give into a craving. What would inevitably happen is that I would be out with friends at a bar or something and one of my girls would like up and I would ask for a drag. Then I'd bum a cigarette or two. Before the night was over I would be volunteering to go on a beer run just so I could pick up a pack of lights. Then because I had just purchased a pack I would have to finish it before I quit again, and before I knew it I was smoking again. It took meeting my husband, who hates cigarettes, to finally quit for good.
I am trying to apply these same lessons to quitting sugar. You know, I never used to believe in the whole food addiction thing. I was like - how can you be "addicted" to food? You have to eat to live! Now I'm realizing that it's much more complicated than that. Some foods cause certain chemical reactions in our body, and those chemicals need to detoxed from our bodies in much the same way that drugs or alcohol or nicotine or caffeine is detoxed from other addictions.
One good thing is that I know that some day it won't be so hard. Just like when I quite smoking, I can expect a day that the gnawing craving for sugar will become a minor fleeting thought that I can brush aside. One day I'll be better. But today- this really sucks!

Friday, January 8, 2010

My Inner Voice is a 2 year old

I am 4 days into my renewed commitment to get healthy. When I started this I told myself I was only going to weigh in once a week.

Confession time- I have weighed myself 6 times in 4 days. I don’t know what it is I expect to see. My head knows that I didn’t gain all this weight overnight, even though it seems that way sometimes. I guess I am just looking for validation that what I am doing is working.

-Because it is really hard to do.

I have found that I hear voices in my head all day long. These are most often bad voices. They say things like:

“I won’t tell anyone you ate the cookie. If no one finds out you cheated, it doesn’t count. EAT SOME CHOCOLATE CAKE PLEASE!!!!!”

"Taste it please."

"ohh ooooh Cookie!!"
“You suck! I hate you! Why are you doing this!”

"Gimme Gimme Gimme"

Sometimes the voice just whimpers softly in the back of my head….

I guess this means I’m crazy. I always knew I was a little nuts. But I think hearing voices actually puts you undeniably in the category of lunatic. One thing I know though is that giving in even just a little bit to these silent pleas in my mind is a really bad idea. It just encourages the voices to get louder and stronger. I realized last night that it's eerily similar to my son's request for a snack. "Bite!" he demands when he sees me eating something he wants to try. "COOKIE!" he says, using the same voice as Cookie Monster because he knows it's just too cute to resist. So I’ve decided to use the same strategy that I use on my son when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Check to make sure there isn’t something seriously wrong (no leaky diapers here!), then let him cry it out until he falls back to sleep.

I’m such a toddler deep down inside….
Maybe some day I'll grow up...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

'Cause what you see is what you get...

As a young girl I remember being taught that “beauty is only skin deep” and “it’s what a person is like inside that counts” and “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover”. I do agree with these lessons that what’s most important about a person is deeper than her appearance.

I have a theory, however, that appearances are important as well. We are judged (and judge others) most often by how we look. Our physical appearance is an outward presentation of who we are. Kind of like how food is packaged. I can't tell you how many times I've bought something at the grocery store that was wrapped in some fancy packaging that made it look like it would be awesome. Sometimes it is, most of the time it's just okay. But I bought it because it looked good.

Do I want to put out the impression to others that I am lazy, sloppy and uncaring of details? Or do I want to advertise that I am a capable, well organized woman who can not only bring home the bacon, but fry it up in a pan?

So one of the things I intend to work on this year is the image I am projecting out to the world.
I am going to style my hair in the morning rather than pulling it into a wet pony tail.
I am going to wear more than just chapstick for makeup.
I am going to keep my nails trimmed and shave my legs at least every 3rd day.
I will get a haircut this weekend and maybe even go get my nails done.

I've been thinking that maybe if I put the effort into looking like a success, success will find me. Maybe if I start acting like who I want to be, I'll become her.

Because the weight is really just one symptom of a much bigger problem. I got fat because I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about what I looked like. I let myself go. I gave up on me.

So from this day forward I vow to be the best version of me I can be.
Can't hurt, right?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Insulin Resistance and Me.

I recently found out that my dad has Type 2 Diabetes. My father and I haven’t talked for years, so I honestly don’t know when got the diagnosis. Apparently his sister also has “pre-diabetes”. This isn’t really surprising because I have suspected that I was insulin resistant for a long time. About 8 years ago my doctor suggested I cut out refined carbohydrates when I complained of a fluttery feeling in my chest. He said I was probably hypoglycemic and I needed to stabilize my blood sugar. I decided to go on Atkins with a couple of the girls in my office, which at the time was very popular for some reason. I actually did really well on it and lost a ton of weight and felt really good for the first time in a long time.

At first it was difficult to give up the comfort foods. Bread and potatoes weren’t as hard to live without as pasta and rice. Sweets are hard for me to be around, but if they aren’t in the house I find I don’t miss them much. The downfall was that as I began to look and feel better I gave myself permission to cheat. You absolutely cannot cheat on that kind of diet. One slice of pizza quickly turned into spaghetti dinner and before I knew it I was eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. The weight came flying back on again and then some.

Instead of blaming myself, I blamed the diet itself. So I went on a “low fat” diet. Instead of losing weight I think I actually gained at that time. Around that same time I became depressed and decided to move out of Denver and move back to New Jersey to be closer to my family. This meant staying at my mom’s house until I could get a good job and get a place of my own. After being back for a few months I met the man who would be my husband. Hubby was also living with his family while he was saving money to get his own place, so for us to be alone together we had to go out. Neither one of us are big drinkers and he doesn’t like to dance, so we went out to eat a LOT. I was happy and in love and he was so accepting of who I was that I didn’t feel compelled to watch what I was eating as much.

When we moved in together, I tried real hard to make healthy meals for the two of us. Then when we got engaged I cut way back on the calories so I wouldn’t be HUGE on my wedding day. After we were married I got pregnant right away. I tried to be as healthy as possible, but my hormones were out of balance, I wasn’t making enough progesterone, and I miscarried at 10 weeks. I became depressed and turned to high carb comfort foods. I felt like the only thing that would make the emptiness go away was if I had a baby, so after a couple of months we began trying again. About 4 months after losing the baby I became pregnant. Early blood tests showed that I had the same problem again, I wasn’t making enough progesterone. This time, my OB decided to try supplementing my progesterone and prescribed me Prometrium capsules twice a day.

I was able to get through the first 12 weeks, but gained a lot of weight during the first trimester because of the hormones. My blood sugar tested abnormally borderline, so they did not diagnose me with gestational diabetes, but said I needed to really watch it. I was dumb and took my pregnancy as an excuse to indulge in all the foods I usually denied myself. If I craved it- I ate it. And I usually ate lots of it too! Over all I gained 65 pounds during my pregnancy. Then for some reason the baby wasn’t coming. I went 2 weeks late and finally they tried to induce me, but the baby’s heart rate dropped so I had an emergency C-section. Again my doctor said it was because my body wasn’t producing the right hormones.

I recently was doing some research online, looking for a low carb plan that wasn’t quite as restrictive as Atkins was, and found out that Insulin resistance can lead to progesterone deficiency as well as all sorts of other hormonal imbalances. This was like a slap in the face. I knew that my dietary choices were affecting my waistline. Now I see that they also caused me to lose one baby and almost lose my son.

Since I’ve become a mother, my outlook is changing. I want my boy to be proud of his mother. I want to be there for him as he grows into a man. I don’t want to be sick and unhealthy. I don’t want him to miss out on things because I can’t find the energy to do them with him. Insulin resistance is reversible. So I am making the decision right here and now to change my lifestyle. I’m eating low glycemic foods and I will make an effort to start exercising.

It’s going to be hard, but I have good motivation this time around. I don’t just want to do it, I HAVE to do it.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Scale Junkie Weight Loss Blog Exercise Healthy Eating Blog

Scale Junkie Weight Loss Blog Exercise Healthy Eating Blog

I am my own worst enemy.

I weighed in this morning at 237.5.  I wanted to cry. I am 90 lbs over what my ideal weight should be. (Though honestly, I think my “ideal” weight is a little on the low side and would be very happy just 50 lbs lighter).

The holiday season sucks. I had the best of intentions. But rather than One day for each holiday this is how things went.

Thanksgiving day- at my sister-in- law’s house with my husband’s family.
Saturday after Thanksgiving – Thanksgiving redux at my Sister’s house.

Then there were the countless Family dinners as my husband’s family had relatives come into town over the next three weeks from Florida and Missouri. (pot roast, roasted chicken, ziti etc.) Of course every dinner had to be followed by some sort of baked goodie that my mother in law made, and she’s the type of person who would have her feelings hurt if you turned down her cakes and cookies and such.

But through all of that I was fairly sane. I took small portions and held my own. The walking from all the Christmas shopping probably helped somewhat to equalize the damage.

But then things began to spin out of control. Here’s what the last week and a half looked like for me-

Christmas Eve- Dinner at my mom’s house so I could visit with my Grandparents. (Kielbasa, Pierogies, Sauerkraut, etc)
Christmas Day- Dinner at my house. We had a turkey and a ham and all the sides. My biggest downfall was that everyone who came brought cookies. That and my mother in law made a cheesecake.
Day after Christmas- My mother in law had to get away from her daughter’s relatives for awhile and came over to visit. She insisted on buying a pizza and sandwiches for everyone. I tried to be good and ordered a salad, but gave in and had a couple of slices. I ate some Christmas cookies.
Sunday after Christmas- I invited my mother to come over to watch a movie. We eat leftover Christmas dinner for lunch. I ate more Christmas cookies
Monday after Christmas- we visit my husband’s nieces and have lobster tails and steak followed by cannolis and cheesecake.

Monday through Thursday I continued to eat Christmas cookies every night. Ok I’ll be honest; sometimes I ate the cookies in the morning too instead of breakfast.

Back at work on Tuesday and Thursday the sales team buys us catered lunch. And more pastry trays.

New Year’s Eve- my mother in law brings over plates of food from the party she was at for us. My husband and I later finish a bottle of champagne
New Year’s Day- We went to my husband’s best friend’s house and had pizza and antipasto. I went home later and ate more Christmas cookies.
Day after New Year’s- we had Prime Rib at my mother’s house.
Sunday we were back at my in-law’s again for parmesan crusted chicken.

Monday (yesterday) I finally declared that enough was enough. We threw out the rest of the cookies. I told my husband to make sure the pizza his mother ordered earlier was gone by the time I got home from work, had a salad for lunch and cooked myself a sensible dinner.

I think I’ve come to the conclusion that my family is out to get me. Not intentionally I’m sure, but they are my nemesis when it comes to weight loss. It is my own fault, I try too hard to make sure that there is an equitable amount of time spent with each family; especially now that we have SAK I try to make sure that both families get to see him. Combine that with the fact that both my mom and my mother in law are old fashioned cooks who love to make big family meals and my people pleasing personality and you have the basic formula for an ever expanding waistline.

Now the out of town relatives are gone now. My mother-in-law and brother -in-law left this morning to head back to Missouri. This means no more baked goodies around. Also my mom is a little more understanding of the fact that I’m on a diet. My mom pretty much came out and told me that I was a fattie (but that is a rant for a different day). My husband says that he wants to lose too and will support my efforts, though that may only last until the Superbowl….

The biggest lesson I’ve had here is that I have to stop allowing myself to find excuses to give into over-eating. I can’t control what other people around me are eating, but I can control what I put into my own mouth. I have to “check myself before I wreck myself” *grin*. There is always going to be a reason that people are feasting. My body can’t tolerate that kind of eating. If I don’t want my son to be embarrassed of me when he’s older, I need to get it under control now.

Monday, January 4, 2010

New Day One

It's been decided that I am going to restart my diet starting today. I will be using this space to try to keep track of what I'm eating, how it's working and what I'm weighing. I forgot to weigh myself this morning. So I'll have to post my starting stats tomorrow.
If you stumbled across this accidentally, feel free to follow or comment or whatever, but please keep it positive as this is my attempt to change my life.
I don't want to be fat any more. I want to be healthy for my son and attractive for my husband.

The only plan that really works for me is cutting carbs, so I'm going back to that. Not Atkins per se - because I get too confused with the whole carb ladder and the order you're supposed to introduce foods in etc. But I will be trying to stick to between 20-25 Grams of carbs per day for at least the first month. Once I'm sure that I'm consistantly losing weight I plan to give myself extra carbs on the weekends, maybe and extra 10-15, just enough to have a little variety. But I don't see that happening until closer to March.

There are 6 months before I'll be forced to put on a swimsuit. I would like to be at least 40 pounds thinner by then. If I acheive a weight loss of about 1.5 pounds per week I should be able to attain that. I'm not saying that I'll be done or that this is my final goal, because it's not. I still will be overwieght even after that. But it's as far ahead as I can see right now. When I reach it I'll decide what my next goal will be.

Supplements that I intend to take-
B complex
Fish oil
PreNatal multi vitamin (because it has extra iron and folate)

I'm shooting to take these once a day, but I keep them at work, so at least Mon-Fri and maybe some of them on the weekends...

Anyway, that's the plan for 2010.

Here's hoping for the best!