Monday, June 21, 2010

This is not a pity party...

Father’s day has always been a day of bittersweet reflection on my childhood for me. Bitter because I am not on speaking terms with my father. I haven’t seen him since my wedding and before that it had been 5 years. He has never met my son, although I suspect my great aunt has sent him a picture or two. Sweet because now that my husband is a father, he really is the best daddy in the world, and I make an effort to celebrate it for him. I really and truly believe that I am the luckiest woman in the world to have him for my son’s daddy. I feel immensely blessed to finally be able to see what a father’s love looks like.

I hesitated about posting this because I don't want this to look like a pity party on my part. We all have little boo-boos on our hearts. I'm in a really good place in my life now. I struggle sometimes, but who doesn't?

On Father’s day I realized that I have no memories of my dad telling me how beautiful I was after I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I never got to have him come to my rescue when I got in over my head with the wrong crowd. My father was just never there for me.

I am getting better now. My husband has been teaching me how to trust my heart again. In the last 6 years I have given up most of my bad habits. As of last year the only vice I had left was food. I honestly didn’t have as much trouble giving up smoking as I am having with giving up food. I am tired and worn down over it. I feel like I am chugging up hill. There are days, when I know that I’m just doing enough to give the appearance of trying but my heart isn’t really into it.

I think part of it has to do with how closely food is tied to emotion. We show our families extra love by making a special meal. We celebrate the birthdays of people close to us with cake. We sooth our children’s sore throats and fevers with ice pops. We use M&Ms as rewards for potty training success. If our kids lose a soccer game we take them for ice cream. Santa and the Easter Bunny bring good little boys and girls candy and treats. We give the ones we love a box of candy on Valentine’s Day. Warm weather means cookouts with family and friends along with sugary frozen cocktails. We are taught from a very young age that being happy and loved is celebrated with a feast of good food and drink.

So I guess it makes sense that on Father’s day, when those childhood hurts came floating to the surface, I was feeling a little extra vulnerable and ate a brownie. Ok I ate two brownies. I know it’s not the most horrible thing I could have done, but the fact that I allowed my emotions to overcome my common sense and good judgment and gave into temptation like that makes me cringe inside. So I find myself this Monday morning re-committing to my goals (again) and promising myself I’ll do better (again) and giving myself the pep talk (again). Grrrr. This totally sucks.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Because it's about more than just looking good.

My mind is on over-drive right now. So many thoughts are racing around trying to find a place to settle down.

I’m not even really sure about where to start. I haven’t been honest with you all. At least not completely honest like I should have been. I’ve been staying away from the Blog, partly because I’ve been busy and partly because I’ve been bad.

I didn’t mean to be bad, it all just sort of got away from me, you know? I’ve been fluctuating between 219 and 223 for the last 4 weeks. I can’t seem to re-focus my efforts and get back on track. I just didn’t care that much anymore. I know I should care, my reasons for starting this are all still there. I still want to look good for myself and my family. I still hate that I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops. I’m fat. Even after losing 20 pounds I’m still fat. I will still be fat after another 20 pounds too. And even if I lose all the weight I want and reach a “normal” body weight…. I still won’t really look great. My skin is saggy and by tummy will never be the same again. So what’s the point? Can’t I have one thing in my life that makes me feel good? I rarely drink anymore. I quit smoking cigarettes 3 years ago. I haven’t gotten stoned for 6 years. Good Food is all I have left. Part of me was (is) angry and resentful that I was giving that up too.

And then something clicked for me today. I was reading some posts from Keelie and Lucy and realized that I’ve been thinking about this all wrong lately. I have a disease. If left untreated it may lead to serious complication up to and including death. It is treatable with dietary and lifestyle changes. I’m not doing this to look better or attract a man. I have a husband who loves me just as I am now. Fat rolls and arm wings and sagging gut and all. I’m doing this because I like my life, because I love my family, because I don’t want to die.

I get comments from people now that are noticing my weight-loss. They say things like “you’re looking great! You’re getting so skinny” and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me want to eat a donut for some reason. So I’m making a decision. I’m not making this about the weight any longer. I’m making this about eating the right foods so that I don’t get diabetes.

If I lose weight while doing it that is simply a side effect of the treatment. And if I don’t lose another single pound that‘s okay with me. My husband and son won’t love me any less, and they are the only two people that matter to me.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Mutiny on the Body.

My Body is a vessel and my Head is the captain. Normally Head is in complete control of how the Body runs. Quickly and efficiently, Head is able to make decisions and plan out what needs to be done to keep Body in top running condition. Any dissention is immediately and forcefully squashed before it can gain a hold.

Head knows all the great reasons why Body should stick to healthy eating, yet today Mouth is craving sweets and lots of them. Head tries to appease Mouth by offering healthier alternatives. Apparently Mouth is smarter than Head gives her credit for because she isn’t easily fooled by artificial sweetener. She wants sugar and lots of it.

Head knows that these are cravings being brought on by TOM coming this week. Head tells Mouth to be content with an extra packet of Splenda in our coffee this morning. Mouth scoffs at this idea and demands a pastry. Head appeals to Heart to intervene but Heart just isn’t interested today. Heart mumbles something about doing this for our family, but is interrupted by Belly loudly growling grumpily about not getting a healthy breakfast this morning. Head retorts that we barely had time to wash our hair let alone fry an egg. Belly grumbles “could have at least grabbed an instant breakfast packet or something…grrr.” Out of nowhere Nose chimes in that it smells like someone brought in bagels today.

Head realizes that she is in serious danger of losing control. Arms and Legs appear to have joined the mutiny and start to follow Nose to the kitchen. Mouth and Belly seem to have taken complete control over the collective body at this point. Head is still protesting, but is tiring fast due to lack of sleep last night. Mouth and Belly make final maneuver by inserting dollar into machine and pushing the button for pop tarts. Head can no longer hold them back and it’s over. Mouth rapidly consumes pop tarts and Belly finally shuts up.

Head is confused about how she lost control of Body and asking Heart “WHY?” Heart says “Sorry dude, I just wasn’t in the mood to fight today.” Belly is sorry and feels bad about going against Head. The only one really happy at the moment is Mouth who is silently content with the warm strawberry sugar still faintly dancing on her tongue.

“Enjoy your victory now while you can, Mouth.” Head says “You won’t see another one for a long time!”

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


So I had a gain. This morning I hopped on and hopped right back off that scale. I'm not surprised at all. I've been eating like crap the last couple of days. There just aren't as many good options around as I would like sometimes when we're out. And I hate to be that person who brings a bag lunch when going to visit the in-laws. My MIL is the type of woman who gets offended if you don't eat what she makes. So far I've been able to get away with turning down desert, but I can't turn down everything or I would starve. In a couple of weeks though she'll be back in Missouri (hooray!) and I will have more control over the dinner menu again.

I've been very busy lately, So I apologize for the sporatic posting. Partly because of the aforementioned MIL visiting and partly due to other family obligations on my side. I did finally have some good news though this weekend, It looks like I'm going to be an aunt in January! My son will be so happy to have a little cousin to play with, I'm very excited. I'm also wishing a bit that I was having another. I know that the timing is horrible and financially we would be better off waiting... But my inner mommy is missing having a tiny little baby to snuggle up in my arms.

Ah well, maybe someday.....But first things first. Before I have any more babies I have to get my weight under control. Or at least under 200. I could live with myself if I was under 200 even if "they" say I should lose more...