Thursday, June 10, 2010

Because it's about more than just looking good.

My mind is on over-drive right now. So many thoughts are racing around trying to find a place to settle down.

I’m not even really sure about where to start. I haven’t been honest with you all. At least not completely honest like I should have been. I’ve been staying away from the Blog, partly because I’ve been busy and partly because I’ve been bad.

I didn’t mean to be bad, it all just sort of got away from me, you know? I’ve been fluctuating between 219 and 223 for the last 4 weeks. I can’t seem to re-focus my efforts and get back on track. I just didn’t care that much anymore. I know I should care, my reasons for starting this are all still there. I still want to look good for myself and my family. I still hate that I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops. I’m fat. Even after losing 20 pounds I’m still fat. I will still be fat after another 20 pounds too. And even if I lose all the weight I want and reach a “normal” body weight…. I still won’t really look great. My skin is saggy and by tummy will never be the same again. So what’s the point? Can’t I have one thing in my life that makes me feel good? I rarely drink anymore. I quit smoking cigarettes 3 years ago. I haven’t gotten stoned for 6 years. Good Food is all I have left. Part of me was (is) angry and resentful that I was giving that up too.

And then something clicked for me today. I was reading some posts from Keelie and Lucy and realized that I’ve been thinking about this all wrong lately. I have a disease. If left untreated it may lead to serious complication up to and including death. It is treatable with dietary and lifestyle changes. I’m not doing this to look better or attract a man. I have a husband who loves me just as I am now. Fat rolls and arm wings and sagging gut and all. I’m doing this because I like my life, because I love my family, because I don’t want to die.

I get comments from people now that are noticing my weight-loss. They say things like “you’re looking great! You’re getting so skinny” and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me want to eat a donut for some reason. So I’m making a decision. I’m not making this about the weight any longer. I’m making this about eating the right foods so that I don’t get diabetes.

If I lose weight while doing it that is simply a side effect of the treatment. And if I don’t lose another single pound that‘s okay with me. My husband and son won’t love me any less, and they are the only two people that matter to me.


  1. Kudos for a step in the right direction. The article I linked my post to is so informative about the effects of insulin and excess glucose. I love that you realize your husband and son love you so much right where you are: isn't that wonderful!

    Enjoy Life Girl!

  2. Those compliments are a funny thing ... or at least the way we react to them.

    I can handle compliments from friends although there's always a touch of embarrassment because I wouldn't be hearing those compliments it I hadn't got so fat in the first place.

    The one that caused me a complete back track was from my husband. I'm still not sure why it undid me but I continue to live in fear of him saying the same thing again and me not being able to take it. Weird! I hope I've found a way to deal with it when that time comes.