My mind is on over-drive right now. So many thoughts are racing around trying to find a place to settle down.
I’m not even really sure about where to start. I haven’t been honest with you all. At least not completely honest like I should have been. I’ve been staying away from the Blog, partly because I’ve been busy and partly because I’ve been bad.
I didn’t mean to be bad, it all just sort of got away from me, you know? I’ve been fluctuating between 219 and 223 for the last 4 weeks. I can’t seem to re-focus my efforts and get back on track. I just didn’t care that much anymore. I know I should care, my reasons for starting this are all still there. I still want to look good for myself and my family. I still hate that I am embarrassed to wear shorts and tank tops. I’m fat. Even after losing 20 pounds I’m still fat. I will still be fat after another 20 pounds too. And even if I lose all the weight I want and reach a “normal” body weight…. I still won’t really look great. My skin is saggy and by tummy will never be the same again. So what’s the point? Can’t I have one thing in my life that makes me feel good? I rarely drink anymore. I quit smoking cigarettes 3 years ago. I haven’t gotten stoned for 6 years. Good Food is all I have left. Part of me was (is) angry and resentful that I was giving that up too.
And then something clicked for me today. I was reading some posts from Keelie and Lucy and realized that I’ve been thinking about this all wrong lately. I have a disease. If left untreated it may lead to serious complication up to and including death. It is treatable with dietary and lifestyle changes. I’m not doing this to look better or attract a man. I have a husband who loves me just as I am now. Fat rolls and arm wings and sagging gut and all. I’m doing this because I like my life, because I love my family, because I don’t want to die.
I get comments from people now that are noticing my weight-loss. They say things like “you’re looking great! You’re getting so skinny” and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It makes me want to eat a donut for some reason. So I’m making a decision. I’m not making this about the weight any longer. I’m making this about eating the right foods so that I don’t get diabetes.
If I lose weight while doing it that is simply a side effect of the treatment. And if I don’t lose another single pound that‘s okay with me. My husband and son won’t love me any less, and they are the only two people that matter to me.