Monday, October 25, 2010

wishing i hadn't.......

I was totally stress eating yesterday.

And I didn't care at all.

I was home alone with my son  while my husband went to work and SAK was being a typical 2 year old. Clingy and wanting to jump all over and I couldn't get him to settle for most of the afternoon. I should have taken him outside. But I didn't. I was tired, I just wanted to sit and be still and read a book while he played quietly with his toys.

Yeah that didn't happen.

And then I got mad because he started to hit me (in an attempt to get my attention) and I asked him to stop and he laughed at my firm voice and kicked me in the face so I tried to "supernanny" him and he laughed and thought that time out was a game when I tried to put him in the naughty corner and I was getting more and more frustrated and........

I spanked him.

Two smacks on the diaper. It wasn't hard and I know I didn't hurt him and this was far from abuse, but it's not how I want to parent my child. It was a reflexive action held over from my own upbringing. He cried, I felt awful immediately afterwards and hugged him and said I was sorry.....and he stopped crying right away and forgot all about it in a few minutes....

I ate two cookies and a hunk of banana bread. And a glass of vanilla milk. And I cried.

I still have a bad case of the guilties and feel like the world's worst mother today. (though I do know that there are obviously worse mothers out there, it doesn't really make me feel better)


  1. Hi Xina.

    Don't be sad.

    Next time bite the 'don't want to' thoughts and sit down and play with him. It's easier in the long run and you might have had some fun with him and relaxed anyway. Playing like a child is for adults too. The older I grow the more I realise that one of the things we lost along the way was our ability to play like a child. It makes us feel as though we are wasting time or being childish yet it is the most liberating thing to sit on the floor and play games or race around the house and laugh. The day comes all too soon when you wish you'd played more, laughed more and tried less to be a good/perfect parent.

    Quiet reading and toddlers don't mix. We forget sometimes in our need for peace and rest.

    Thousands upon thousands of Mums have done the same as you with no lasting damage. Hope your having a happier day today.

  2. Oh, honey. :( I'm so sorry you're feeling guilty (and if I had to guess, it's probably got a lot more to do with the... "automatic" response that you didn't want to do than anything else? I know it always hits me right in the chest/gut when I do something almost by reflex that I swore I'd never do, if that makes sense at all). He's forgotten already. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

    *big, fat, squooshy bewbie hugs & love*

  3. Wow...we are living parallel lives. My two year old brings me to the brink too! Hang in there!