Tuesday, November 9, 2010

This really sucks

For the first time in a really long time it looks like my son is about to have one of his episodes. The old warning signs were all there this morning. Now it's just a matter of waiting for it to hit. Right now he's with my mother-in-law and I'm checking in periodically. If past history is still accurate the attack will likely start later this afternoon or maybe tomorrow morning.
I hate this.

I hate the waiting, feeling powerless to help him. I hate watching his little body slowly contort until he can no longer maintain his balance to walk upright. I hate the confused look in his eyes because he doesn't understand what is happening to him.

I hate knowing that he will slip away from me for a few hours. That's the worst part of it for me, worse than even the persistant severe vomiting. He slips away to somewhere in his head that I cannot follow. He becomes almost catatonic and goes limp. It's scary and I don't know if he's in pain or not. I cannot comfort him when he's there.

I know it will resolve on it's own and that aside from possible dehydration and his discomfort there isn't much to worry about. But it still sucks.

And I'm angry. I'm angry that small children are allowed to suffer and be sick in this world. I'm angry at God for letting this happen. I'm angry that we went so long without incident that I finally allowed myself to relax and feel that we were safe and had gotten past this thing.

I'm sad that I can't stay home with him. I feel guilty that we need tohave both parents working to make ends meet. I worry that this is coming back again because my husband got a job and so he isn't able to stay home with him anymore and it screwed up his schedule.

I just want to yell curse words to the universe right now.


  1. I think watching our kids suffer & being helpless to stop it is one the hardest parts of being a Mom... hopefully it will resolve quickly. {{HUGS}}

  2. Does your son have AHC? The symptoms sound similar? If so, there is a support group on Yahoo. You can find more out about the disorder on www.ahckids.org. I hope it passes quickly and he's feeling better soon. (My niece has AHC, so that is why I ask.)

  3. Ms M. - Thanks for the support! and you're right thisis the hardest part of being a mom.:-)

    Gara- His diagnosis is BPT or benign Paroxysmal Torticollis, though I looked at the site you mentioned and there are many similarities. BPT is considered to be an infant migraine variant, though it is very rare and it appears that not much research has been done. Thanks for the info though!

  4. :( I'm so sorry. I know how terrible that is. It was the slipping away that always got to me the most, too.