Monday, May 3, 2010

I have working-mom guilt

Any other working mommas feel this?

When I’m at work, I spend half my time taking care of personal business, making appointments, paying bills, shopping on my lunch break, calling to check on my son…… And then when I finally get home I’m rushing to get dinner ready and feeling burnt out from a long day at work. I get frustrated by my two year old son tugging at my hand, begging me to come play with him, when really that is all I want to do myself.

I dedicate the weekends to spending quality time with my family to try to make up for being absent so much, but two days is just not enough. By the time I get my son to bed I’m able to get about an hour of relaxation and snuggle time with my husband before I head to bed and start all over again the next day.

My house is a mess most of the time because I don’t have the time or energy to clean it the way I would like to. I have clothes that my son has out grown and toys that are too young for him cluttering his room because I haven’t had a chance to go through them yet.

I’m tired and cranky and sad today.

I know that people say you need to make “me time” for yourself. I’m told I need to force myself to find the time to exercise. When can I exercise? Do I give up my morning cuddles with my son to squeeze in a 20 minute workout before I head to the office? Do I go to the gym on my way home from work pushing dinner back to 7pm? Do I dare to work out on my lunch break and gain a reputation for being the sweaty sticky lady in the office? On the weekends, I have to choose between exercising and cleaning my house while my child sleeps. I’d prefer to exercise, but housework is usually more pressing by then.

Does wrestling with your kids count as exercise? I try to take him for walks, but does walking at the pace of a two year old actually help any?

I'm becoming a clock watcher at work. I can't wait until 5:00 rolls by and I can finally leave for the day. I call home several times to check on my son, even though I know his father is doing a terrific job with him.

I’m jealous of those who have the opportunity to stay home with their children. I know it seems boring at times, but I honestly would trade places with them in a heartbeat.

There’s not much I can do to change my position at the moment though, so I just have to suck it up and deal with the lot I’ve been dealt. My husband is out of work at the moment, so that leaves me to be the one to bring home a steady paycheck and keep our health insurance current. A small secret part of me resents the feminist movement. Right now, the whole 50’s housewife thing is looking pretty attractive to me.

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much today. Maybe it’s because my son was clinging to me once he realized I was leaving this morning. Maybe it’s just the Monday blahs. I do like my job; I just wish I could do it part time or from home or something. But they aren’t options for me.

So how do you supermoms do it? How do you stop feeling guilty all day? How do you give enough time to your families and still manage to carve out some time for yourself? When do you find time to exercise?

1 comment:

  1. This is a deep post. No mindless ramblings here. You've written words straight from the heart. I feel for you, I really do. You're in a hard place. You're also a strong woman (I know, you probably don't feel very strong or even want to be strong!), but you are.

    Reading your post, I'm reminded of Deborah (in the bible), the woman God called upon to lead His people into battle. He used her because there were no men He could call upon. He had to rely on Deborah or His people would have been done for.

    Be encouraged, you're labor of love is not in vain!