The blessing of fear.

Quality vs. Quantity -
Which is more important?
How much of something you have or how good that something is?

I find this theme coming up often in my life these days. In my food choices, the time I spend with my son, the work I do every day at the office… I want both. I want the most of the best I can have. I’m feeling like there’s no such thing as “too much of a good thing.” I want it all!

We only have one chance to live this life of ours, and the time we have to live it is appallingly short. My grandparents are dying. It’s not surprising because they are 88 and 90 years old, so it really is just a matter of time, even if they weren’t sick- but they are. My grandmother is bed-ridden now and my grandfather is going through Chemo. Their life sucks right now.

Watching them as they near the end of their lives has me thinking a lot about my own mortality and the brevity of life. I can’t help but imagine what the future holds for me, how long I have left and what I can do to stay (get) healthy. Morbid, huh?

When I started this journey, I was inspired by my son. I said I was doing it for him, so he would have a healthy mom and never feel ashamed that I was fat. That’s still all true, but lately I feel more and more that I’m doing this for myself too. You see, I don’t want to die early. I want as much time as I can get with my husband and my son. I want to dance with my son at his wedding. I want to play with my husband in our retirement. I want to sing my grandchildren to sleep. I want to grow old.

More than just a little part of me is scared. I am afraid that I won’t be successful and I’m afraid of what I might lose if I’m not. The stakes for me have become so much higher all of a sudden. This is much bigger for me than just trying to look good in a bathing suit by June. If it was all about cosmetics, I’m sure I would have given up a long time ago.

That fear is a good thing. Fear is a gift. Fear is what makes us run away from things that will hurt us. Fear is what motivates us to fight for ourselves and those that we love. I know I will be successful at this because I’m too afraid of what will happen if I am not. I never had that before, and that’s why this time will be different. This time has to be different.