Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Lost the battle, still trying to win the war.

I’m not sure it I can do this.

I still want to do it, but it’s so hard. I’m not sure that other people realize how difficult it is sometimes. It has been made clear to me in so many ways that my health depends on me losing weight. I have lost some. Not as much as I had hoped I would have lost by now though.

I’ve been writing posts about what I have to do to try to put myself in the right mind set, but it’s not working.

I am tired of this. REALLY tired.

I had the day off work yesterday and was watching Dr OZ. He was trying to say that the secret to losing weight was eating more watermelon. I have to tell you that I’m getting really sick of these “specials” dedicated to obesity that promise to give you the secret to permanent weight loss.

Has anyone considered the reasons that obesity is becoming such a problem lately? For myself I know that a good portion of it is stemming from the fact that I’m chained to my desk in front of the computer for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week.

That and I can’t seem to catch a break regarding sweet treats being in the house.

I really REALLY wanted to give up this weekend. Part of me still does. There’s a voice in my head right now that is saying, “Fuck it. You’re fat, you’ll probably always be fat, so stop trying to be something you’re not and enjoy your life.”

I’d like to tell you all right now that I ignored the desire to quit and didn’t give in to temptation. I would like to tell you that, but then I would be a liar.

I’ve been kind of half-assed about my eating the last couple of weeks. And the past weekend I pretty much quit altogether. I had bread and cake and chips… and it all tasted soooo GOOD.

I don’t feel good though. I feel bloated and tired and sick. You would think that would be enough to make me never want to eat that way again, but truth is I’m craving all sorts of junk food right now.

I just called my husband and asked him to throw away the left-over birthday cake from the weekend. I asked him if he would try to diet with me since he says he wants to lose. This afternoon I’m going to go shopping to try to get some diet friendly snacks and I’m going to start over again from scratch. The good news is I haven’t really gained much, maybe a pound or two. Bad news is I threw all that great momentum I had developed out the window.

1 comment:

  1. You don't sound like a quitter.

    Some of us have lots of Blah times. I used to let them de-rail me but this time I am FOREVER.

    Don't wait until you are 70 years old to get the magic moment. You can turn this into FOREVER any time you choose. It's a mindset. It's the way most slim people think even if they are not openly aware of it.

    I used to get so frustrated by slim people who obviously never had an eating or weight problem in their lives, when they said, 'I ate some yummy chocolate cake,now for more time at the gym or eating carefully the rest of the week.' I would react with disbelief. Now I understand. To stay healthy is a FOREVER thing and until we get that we are not going to be consistent. We are not going to weather the Blahs or the sabotage or the bad weeks or the unfairness of life.

    I do hope your Husband becomes your greatest support.

    I'm still learning. *smile*